Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Dear Robb...

Hi Kids…

Happy to see me? No need to answer, that was merely a rhetorical question I decided to throw out into the universe. This morning I woke up as I do almost every morning and thought to myself, why doesn’t anyone ever leave comments on my blog? I look at other blogs and they are overloaded with them, drowning even, and then I look back at mine and nothing. I felt instantly lonely, unloved and under adored. Ok, so I have a grand total of 4, but me being me, I want more, more, more.

I ain’t too proud to beg, but prefer to save that for when the lights are dimmed and handcuffs are involved… Hmmm… Is that what is known in some circles as too much information? I just don’t know anymore where that line is. How much of myself am I supposed to place naked and vulnerable before the public for their consumption and how much do I keep for myself? I simply have no idea… And I worry about how much longer I can keep up this one-way dialogue. I feel like Moses speaking from the mountain, only without wandering around the desert for 40 years looking for milk and honey. Everyday I go spelunking through the depths of my mind, looking for golden tidbits to share with all of you.

Sometimes there is just nothing there and then I think perhaps I should sell off one of my lesser organs like my appendix since nobody knows what it does anyway just to have something to do while also supporting black market economics, a subject that is very close to my heart. In a rare moment of desperate and exhausted exasperation I said to myself, “Luigi”, I often call myself Luigi, I said “Luigi, what can I do?” Then I realized that I work in advertising. I do puppets, I do. I work in advertising and so I thought perhaps it’s time I start employing my unsurpassed expertise right here in my very own blog. What I need is a call to action, actionable interest and all those kinds of phrases that we in the ad biz like to randomly pepper our conversations with.

PeeWee once said “I’m a loner… A rebel. I’ve seen things you wouldn’t understand. Things you couldn’t understand. Things you shouldn’t understand” and then I had a brainflash. What I need is an interactive blog. One in which I can employ my borrowed brilliance to help those less fortunate and more needy than myself, those poor unfortunate souls, in pain and in need, searching for the answers to the everyday issues of modern life.

Yes kiddies, I will dedicate a section in my blog to answer and discuss selected questions, so let your fingers do the walking and let me know what’s on your mind. To steal a line from Linda Richmond and make it my very own “Type, ask me a question, no big whoop.” There is no issue to big or too small. Politics? Love? Gun control? Proper use of bondage gear? Bring it on babies.

And in the unlikely event I am unable to tackle the issue myself, I have asked my old friend Claire to help me out. Claire is a, well, she’s a left over Valley Girl, mentally trapped in 1982. Yes indeed, she’s a Valley Girl still searching for the perfect mall and has agreed to take time out of her noble quest to share her insight with all of us. I am sure you will be as stunned and impressed as I. And now without further ado, I will let Claire introduce herself…

Omigod. Hiiiiiiiiii! I just want to say that I am like so totally stoked to like be here, that I… like is this thing like on? Can everyone, like hear me? I dunno… Helloooooo? Huh? What? You mean like I just type and like everyone know’s what I’m like saying? No way! That’s like totally bitchen. Just hope I don’t like you know like break a nail cause I would be like totally bumming to the max. I mean the salons aren’t even like open yet. Anyways, like I was saying, I am so full-on excited to like be here that I totally almost barfed. I know that’s so like gross. I mean like public barfing - gag me, I’m sure!

So no way, I can’t believe I’m like in cyberspace. Does that make me like eClaire? Omigod, I sound like a total doughnut. I mean like dip me in chocolate and cover me with sprinkles, I’m sure. Omigod, no way! The police are like totally ticketing my Volvo and like he’s not even that cute. I’m like so totally embarrassed. I have to like jam to the max, I’m sure.

So, that was Claire and she will be visiting us every now and again to spread her pearls of worldly wisdom. I can feel your excitement and shivers of anticipation already. I do have a few more surprise guests that will be popping in from time to time but don’t want to overwhelm anyone with ecstasy.

Well kiddies, that wraps it up for this episode. Stay tuned for more blog fun with Robb and Claire and let’s have those questions and comments.


  1. Anonymous30/8/06 05:04

    Robb, come on - we know that Claire isn't real. You've just made her up to have someone to talk to you on your blog... you lonely man.

  2. Anonymous30/8/06 15:19

    Claire could you describe yourself a little bit more in order for us to know you better?
    How do you know each other?

  3. Wow. Claire and I have SO much in common. I too like to be dipped in chocolate and covered in sprinkles (damn shame I didn't enjoy that back in high school, or maybe Robb would have gotten something more than a smooch after drama club practice and The Prom.)

    Sorry Robb - I wish I was a slut back then (I didn't start whoring around until I was about 21, and I stopped at 30). Oh who's kidding who...I never stopped.

    Any-hoo, this blog is about YOU, not me, so I should comment on the fabulous writing styles of my old friend. So folks - leave your comments on Robb's page - when he is rich and famous, don't you want him to remember you, and shower you with gifts?

    But seriously Pumpkin, what I REALLY want to know is: Why didn't you post that picture of you in a toga, circa 1984?

    Julie the Prom Date
    Blog Victim #72; 8/29/06

  4. Hi Julie,

    I know why Robb does not post the toga picture... I've seen it. I think it's very cute, but he thinks its...

    Cheers, Ulco