Thursday, December 09, 2010

Figuring It Out

It has been over four months since I have written anything. Anything at all. Not sure why, it just seemed too much effort to write anything longer than a text message. I have had no inspiration or desire to write at all. Even now, I don’t feel the inspiration, but feel I should do something, start somewhere and see if maybe, just maybe, it comes back. Or not. Perhaps a part of the reason is the fact that since I have arrived in Istanbul, I have basically been working. Usually seven days a week, morning until night. It is wearing me down and burning me out, but it doesn’t matter. After two years of being unemployed and everything that comes along with that, I find myself working even when I know I should say no.

I have also spent quite a bit of time over the past months deconstructing India and the past few years. I experienced things I never imagined possible and things I never imagined I would ever get through. Now that I am here, in a different but not sure if better place, I find myself constantly comparing, wondering, going over the details of what happened and what I might have done different. I ask myself if I could have done anything differently and of course, for many things, I could have.

I also find myself still trapped in that space in India. I am in a different place in different circumstances, but I live as though it were all still happening. I have a hard time enjoying anything. I have a hard time opening up to anyone. I have made a few friends, but I haven’t let anyone in. Not really.

Even photography seems laborious now. After keeping my camera packed away for over 2 months, I have finally started taking pictures again. I am not sure I enjoy it right now. Again, I don’t know why. There are so many beautiful places in Istanbul and yet my interest is sorely lacking. I don’t feel depressed or anything, I just find myself having troubles re-integrating into life as I would like it to be. I can’t talk about it with anyone, because nobody I know truly understands what happened, what I experienced. I don’t even really get it myself.