Thursday, December 09, 2010

Figuring It Out

It has been over four months since I have written anything. Anything at all. Not sure why, it just seemed too much effort to write anything longer than a text message. I have had no inspiration or desire to write at all. Even now, I don’t feel the inspiration, but feel I should do something, start somewhere and see if maybe, just maybe, it comes back. Or not. Perhaps a part of the reason is the fact that since I have arrived in Istanbul, I have basically been working. Usually seven days a week, morning until night. It is wearing me down and burning me out, but it doesn’t matter. After two years of being unemployed and everything that comes along with that, I find myself working even when I know I should say no.

I have also spent quite a bit of time over the past months deconstructing India and the past few years. I experienced things I never imagined possible and things I never imagined I would ever get through. Now that I am here, in a different but not sure if better place, I find myself constantly comparing, wondering, going over the details of what happened and what I might have done different. I ask myself if I could have done anything differently and of course, for many things, I could have.

I also find myself still trapped in that space in India. I am in a different place in different circumstances, but I live as though it were all still happening. I have a hard time enjoying anything. I have a hard time opening up to anyone. I have made a few friends, but I haven’t let anyone in. Not really.

Even photography seems laborious now. After keeping my camera packed away for over 2 months, I have finally started taking pictures again. I am not sure I enjoy it right now. Again, I don’t know why. There are so many beautiful places in Istanbul and yet my interest is sorely lacking. I don’t feel depressed or anything, I just find myself having troubles re-integrating into life as I would like it to be. I can’t talk about it with anyone, because nobody I know truly understands what happened, what I experienced. I don’t even really get it myself.


  1. Hi Robb. Awesome & adventurous experience you had over there in India and Istanbul! I liked your blog as well. It's so diverse and intriguing!
    PS. I saw your comment on my blog, Iraqispot. All I can say is I am glad it was of a great help! Feel free to ask me anything if you want to. Kind regards,

  2. Hi again. Now that I am aware of the time of your arrival, I am not sure whether I can be or even make it there (in Erbil) on the 27th of this month, but I am currently writing a short essay telling you what to do or where to go when you arrive to Kurdistan safe and sound. I will send it to your E-mail address. Here is mine:
    Plus, I am sending you my Facebook address because I usually open it and update it every once and a while-here it is:

    just in case you needed anything urgent!

  3. Hi Robb, here's a little echo from Amsterdam..
    I was curious about your whereabouts, confidant that I would find you on top of your game!
    And : I read about an existential crisis!! Honey, I don't know if this will console you in any way, but I'm always here if you need my help!
    You're a wonderful man and God knows that's true!
    Let me know if I could do anything for you, or just call me for a chitchat.. I will never forget your (however sometimes weary;-), but) Trusty Energy.. xxjoachim