Sometimes, just when I think I have things figured out and under some sort of control, things smash and break. And just when I think I know myself, that I understand myself, I realize I don't know myself as much as I thought. The past month has been an intense personal experience. And when I had the opportunity to step up and be the person I want to be, I took the complete opposite approach and now there is just a lot of emotional debris around.
I have written a little here about my life growing up, being told I was nothing and nobody and that I wuld never be anything and nobody would ever love me. As an adult, I ran from that and tried to distance myself from it in every way possible. I dove into therapy, books, teachings, meditation, travel and anything that would help me improve myself. The past month, I have really been dealing with the concept of letting go and letting things be what they will. The problem with that is, that I was focused on letting go of what was happening right now, today. I didn't realize how tightly I was and am holding onto the past. I didn't realize how much I still buy into or believe those things about myself even though I “know” things to be otherwise.
This morning, I was having a conversation with someone who reminded me that the past is in the past. I say it is and it isn't. In time it is, but inside me, it isn't so far away. I guess it has been such a big part of my identity for so long that to let it go would be like leaving behind an arm or a leg. I am not sure I know who I am without it. But what I do know, is who I am with it, and that person is not who I want to be. That is a person that hurts people. That says things he knows will cut someone off at the legs. That person is someone who destroys the very things he wants, and worse, he does it on purpose.
So now, I need to focus on letting go of the past. I just don't know how to do it. I have tried ignoring it. I've tried running from it, controlling it, taking about it, writing about it, but still, it is there. I don't want it anymore. I really don't want it anymore. I want to look in the mirror and see myself as I am, with no judgment, no dislike, no hate and no anger. I want to see the person the people who are important to me see. I want to see the person they talk about when they talk about me. I see glimpses of him, but I don't see him.
When Rich died, I thought it would be over, but that seems to have intensified my thoughts. He is no longer here, has not been a part of my actual life for over twenty years, and still, I give him the power and the control. And if I am honest, I do it willingly even though I know it is the wrong thing. I don't know how to really let him go. I don't know how to truly and permanently leave things in the past. I know I can never forget, but how can I make them mere memories instead of letting them have an active part in my life?
I can't play the victim card again. I don't want to. It isn't who I want to be. When someone who knows me well can look at me and tell me they don't know me at all, that is beyond scary. And when I look at myself in light of the past few weeks or so, I don't know who I am either. I wonder if I do and I just don't see it right now, or if I really don't and need to figure all that out. I don't want to be this Jekyll and Hyde person anymore. I just want to be the best version of me, whoever that is.
I don't know how to do it, so I will just focus on what I want and take a step. And then another.