Tuesday, October 21, 2014

That Nagging Feeling

Last month, I had a meeting with a client to discuss their marketing efforts and how I could help them. It happened to be for a chiropractic office. I, like most people, always thought chiropractors were about cracking bones and aching backs. For many, that might be true, but this particular one specializes in Cranial Spinal Integration, something I had heard nothing about. According to their website, it does the following:
Cranial Spinal Integration (CSI) allows the left and right brain hemispheres to rebalance and reintegrate in a profound way which improves the functioning of the central nervous system automatically. This then allows your body to experience restored function and improved health.
For the past three years, I have had issues with my nervous system. I don’t feel hot or cold on my left side. I have no feelings of hunger or being full, which had caused me to forget about eating – sometimes for days – as well as making it easy for me to overeat during meals, which would cause all sorts of other issues. I saw the blurb about CSI when looking through their brochure and talked to the doctor, curious, but not really buying into it. We talked about the stroke, the things I should and shouldn’t do. Things that none of my other doctors told me. However, I remained unconvinced but decided to keep an open mind and give it a go. After all, I had nothing to lose.

I began the treatments in September, going three times per week. I also started taking fish oil and vitamin B complex, which help rejuvenate the nerves. As I expected, nothing happened. Yeah, I had more energy and I generally felt better, but there was nothing that really made me take notice. Until last week…

I woke up on Thursday morning feeling strange. My stomach was achy and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I didn’t feel sick. I didn’t have cramps. It was just an uncomfortable, nagging feeling. It took me about five minutes to realize I was feeling hungry. For the first time since December 24, 2011, I felt hungry. That was confirmed when I ate and the feeling went away. I didn’t feel full at all, I just didn’t feel hungry. Then, I would feel hungry every couple of hours. My system is no longer used to the scheduled eating, so, like a baby, I get hungry all the time.

Yesterday, I was out to lunch and I got through most of my meal when again, I had a weird feeling. It was different than the hunger. I again went through the list wondering if I was feeling ill or having stomach issues. Then, I realized I felt full. I was having lunch with a friend of mine who later told me she was a little surprised when she saw me put my fork down.

Having the ability to feel hungry and full is amazing and I can already feel something happening on other parts of my left side. I don’t really know what is going on yet, or if the results will spread to other things, but even if not, I am so thankful for what I have already gotten back.

I am really looking forward to see what else happens and where this all leads. And I am really enjoying the uncomfortable feeling of being hungry again!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014


I woke up just a little past six this morning. It was in that space between sleep and wake that I thought about how I needed to spend my day looking for a job. The past thirty months or so have been full of false starts and it has been issue of work that has bothered me the most.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to stop with the blogging. I couldn’t do it anymore. The same old gloom and doom and rehashing of everything I had said so many times before. An outlet and therapeutic at first, writing had become a way for me to keep myself locked in the moment. I went from making me feel better to compounding the situation. So I made the decision to take a break and refocus.

So instead of focusing on what I didn’t want, I took the time and really cemented an image of what I did want. My resume is not one that fits into any specific career category. Rather, it speaks about my drive, my personality and the kind of person I am. It is a resume of building things, helping people, taking risks and achieving goals. It is not a safe resume. It is one that has been driven by my dreams instead of titles. Some careers were a great fit. Some weren’t, but I learned from each of them. So when asked about the type of job I would like to do, what would make me happy, I didn’t have a really clear vision or answer. My ideal job is a smash of things ranging from training, coaching and leadership to strategy, marketing and social media. I also love the idea of helping people and making a difference. Finding a job that incorporates all those things is just not realistic, so I spent the time focusing on a few different paths I could take.  

I woke up just a little past six this morning. It was in that space between sleep and wake that I thought about how I needed to spend my day looking for a job. And then my reality came into focus and I realized I have a job. Yes, I got a job. It wasn’t even one I applied for, it was one that came to me. I will be doing training, coaching and leadership as well as strategy, marketing and social media, among other things. And it gets even better - I will be doing those things to help other people, making a difference in the lives of others and the community. Empowering people and helping them succeed. And getting that same thing right back. One thing I have always loved about training and coaching is that I also get something out of it each time. Teaching and helping others teaches and helps me.

Last Thursday, I walked through the doors of my new life and a future that keeps me awake. This morning, once the realization of my new reality set it, my mind just started overflowing with ideas. They have ben an endless river and I have the opportunity to turn many of them into a reality.  Walking each day, I feel a little lighter, more myself. I can laugh without that feeling of impending doom lingering in the background.  

And to the person that made this happen and the people who have cheered me on, loved me supported me and helped in ways I can’t begin to describe, thank you. There is no way I could have done this on my own. And I am grateful and blessed I didn’t have to. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

So Long...

I’ve made a decision to stop with this blog, at least for now. I feel like I have said the same things so many times and in so many ways, and now I feel it is time to take a break. I will pick it up again if and when I feel like I have something new to say instead of once again rehashing it all. It isn’t something I enjoy right now. I feel like I am forcing myself. What was once relaxing, fun, therapeutic or whatever, has just become a chore.

Thanks to everyone who has been reading my ramblings and for all the comments and words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. It has all meant a lot to me.


Saturday, July 05, 2014

July 5, 2014

It is no secret that I am at a point where I am really treading some pretty choppy waters in life right now. When I wrote my last post, I was in a place where I really could not see a way out and well, there wasn’t one. At least not if I was going to go it alone. I won’t go into details or mention names, but once again I am learning there is always a path through, sometimes we just need someone to point it out or clear the brush that is hiding it.

I am still going through and dealing with a lot of things I really wish I didn’t have in my life and while I can’t see much of a path right now, I can see where the next few steps may lead and hopefully from there, see a little further.

Asking for help, being vulnerable and letting people see just how much things suck is not an easy thing at all. When I write, there are times I have to force it out. I cried through a lot of that last blog post. Thinking about it hurt enough. Walking on the emotional broken glass was even worse. I don’t want to bring people into my problems and at the same time, I don’t want to hide. Yes, I am dealing with depression and I know that it is not something just one person deals with. I know there are people around me affected by what I do and don’t do. I haven’t spent much time with my niece and nephews. I have been voiding my sister, avoiding Ulco and hiding out. I have been lying to people saying that things are great or ok when really, they just suck.

One of the things I have hated since the stroke is the need I feel to put others at ease. Anyone who has had a major illness or tragedy knows what I mean. You share something with someone just because you need to talk about it and next thing you know, you are telling them that everything will be ok and that they shouldn’t worry. I can’t do that anymore. What you see is what you get and what you see is where I am. I’m not trying to get responses or anything, I just want to get things out and maybe in the process someone will relate a little to what I write or what I am going through. A big part of depression and major life changes is the feeling of being alone. The feeling that nobody understands. The feeling that I am bringing everyone around me down.

My therapist asked me how I felt about the strokes and the depression. I told her I was angry, ashamed and embarrassed. I am. I grew up with a mom that talked about killing herself, that kept herself drugged up on over-the-counter medications. She numbed herself and in doing so, isolated herself from everyone and everything. I am trying to do the opposite. I want to feel it, to deal with it, to get through it and beyond it. I am trying to silence the voices that constantly say I’m not ____________ enough. Or perhaps worse, that I am just simply not enough.

Sometimes it is hard to believe and have faith in something that just seems so impossible. I just have to approach it the way I approached learning to walk again. Taking it one step at a time and then taking the next step. Not worrying about how far I get, just trying to get one step further than the day before. Some days went great and some days were torture, but they all finally came together and before too long, I was hiking in mountains and canyons. I was nervous and scared, but I did it. And I am trying now to do it again.