Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Like a Virgin

I have recently seen news stories about newborns and toddlers being included on the no-fly lists. I think such a move could easily be classified as one small step for man and one giant leap for the jet set. Air travel, like alcohol, voting and firearms permits should have a minimum age imposed – or at least ban children from business and first class seating. There is nothing more unsettling than snuggling into your private Virgin Atlantic Upper Class Suite and looking over to see a small child just across the aisle. It’s an outrage.

I have hopes that children will be banned completely from Virgin Galactic flights. The last thing we need is a bunch of children littering space, leaving their peanut buttered fingerprints everywhere. The idea of being weightless does appeal to my vanity and I find myself wondering if the daily effects of gravity on my face will disappear? Will I float through the cabin as a wrinkle-free version of myself? Will I be able to eat anything I want and not gain any weight? What will they serve on board and how will it stay on the plate? Will there be yet another exclusive club to join in addition to the mile-high one to which I am still seeking initiation? There is only one way to find out. I must get a ticket, and that is where you come in.

Like Fantine and Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream. The only thing standing between me and that dream is the cold hard reality known as cash. However, I have given this matter a lot of serious consideration and feel it is time for the peoples of the world to come together, to join as one in spirit. Its time for you all to cast aside your differences and help those in need, the outcasts, the poor downtrodden souls like me. The solution is really simple. I only need $200,000.00. Don’t see this as my asking for a favor, I would be the last one to throw my financial shortcomings out onto the dining table of public consumption. I ask you to see this as the perfect opportunity to search your hearts for that soft, squishy spot, embrace charity work and contribute to a worthwhile cause. I promise that if you contribute to my cause, I will use my space travel and soon to be acquired astronautical skills to raise awareness for something near and dear to my heart. Not yet sure what that is, but I will go out on a limb and say it will be something spectacular, like the plight of the python.

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