I am not sure what I am feeling today. Anger? Depression? Disgust? I really don’t know. I just know that I am tired. I am tired of all of this. In the beginning it was at least interesting. I was almost a game of what I could and couldn’t do, what worked and what didn’t. Now I am just bored and sick of all of this. Thursday morning I felt great. I was walking good and even managed to so a bit of admin work. Yesterday I was back to extreme double vision, walking into walls and spinning rooms. I spent most of yesterday sleeping. Partly because I was sleepy, but mainly, I just didn’t want to be here, in this body, in this situation. Today I still don’t, but am trying to force myself to do something.
I tried to force my left arm to feel something. I was in the bathroom to shave, with an electric shaver, of course, and I grabbed the sink with both hands. In my right, I felt the cold porcelain, and with my left, it felt warm. I kept moving my hand to different parts, telling it that it was cold, but nothing happened. I had the same situation in the shower with the warm water. I just want to feel a little difference, but nothing. I even help my hand over the toaster the other day to see if that would register something, but nothing. I just want things to be back to normal.
I want to stand up without having to think it through first, without having to concentrate on my balance. I want to walk without grabbing walls and chairs. I am tired of typing with one eye closed while hitting all the wrong keys. It is as though the keys move around while I type.
I am tired of mood swings and all this doubt and uncertainty. I am tired of this body I don’t understand. I want to feel like I used to. I want to be normal and me again.
Sorry for whining and complaining...