I am not sure what I am feeling today. Anger? Depression?
Disgust? I really don’t know. I just know that I am tired. I am tired of all of
this. In the beginning it was at least interesting. I was almost a game of what
I could and couldn’t do, what worked and what didn’t. Now I am just bored and
sick of all of this. Thursday morning I felt great. I was walking good and even
managed to so a bit of admin work. Yesterday I was back to extreme double
vision, walking into walls and spinning rooms. I spent most of yesterday
sleeping. Partly because I was sleepy, but mainly, I just didn’t want to be
here, in this body, in this situation. Today I still don’t, but am trying to force myself to do something.
I tried to force my left arm to feel something. I was in the
bathroom to shave, with an electric shaver, of course, and I grabbed the sink
with both hands. In my right, I felt the cold porcelain, and with my left, it
felt warm. I kept moving my hand to different parts, telling it that it was
cold, but nothing happened. I had the same situation in the shower with the
warm water. I just want to feel a little difference, but nothing. I even help
my hand over the toaster the other day to see if that would register something,
but nothing. I just want things to be back to normal.
I want to stand up without having to think it through first,
without having to concentrate on my balance. I want to walk without grabbing
walls and chairs. I am tired of typing with one eye closed while hitting all
the wrong keys. It is as though the keys move around while I type.
I am tired of mood swings and all this doubt and
uncertainty. I am tired of this body I don’t understand. I want to feel like I
used to. I want to be normal and me again.
Sorry for whining and complaining...
I am so sorry Robb, I just found out from Ulco. Love you. Ann.
ReplyDeleteSo this is a bad day for whining , but it is only one day. So accept it and get through it. Sleep can help, so can expressing how you feel. You have done that in your usual elegant way, remember how far you have come and keep going forward. LOTS of LOVE Jan
ReplyDeleteI second Jan's comments but would not have been able to express it quite so well. Love you, Laura
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't know much as it is the first time I visit your blog, but I did understand you had a stroke and it's been a while. So listen, whining and complaining won't do you any good, you're a grown man I believe. I don't know what you are capable of doing right now, but try and do things you like the most and cheer you up. Get out of bed, take a walk, take a picture, call a friend, have a talk, have a coffee, I don't know. Whatever makes you feel better and doesn't seem like an impossible mission to you. I'm sorry if I seem abrupt, I do sympathize but I don't like people feeling sorry for themselves or feeling unable to give a fight they owe to themselves.
ReplyDelete