Monday, January 09, 2012

Having a Bad Day

The last couple of weeks have been intense, to say the least. So far, I have managed not to get sad or depressed. That is, until today. I woke up this morning with this heavy feeling that is almost suffocating. I don’t know why it happened today, but here it is.

Yesterday was a great day. I did my exercises for my arms and legs and then went out walking on the compound. The first day I did one round, then three and yesterday I did seven. Today, I am not doing anything. I just don’t feel like it. I took a couple of naps and each time woke up crying. I feel silly and don’t know how to make the feeling stop. Normally, I would go for a walk on the beach, but right now am trapped in a house. I want to lose myself behind my camera, but that is not an option right now. I can’t really read and even writing this, I have the screen view at 500% just so I can see.

I think the part that bothers me is the unknown timeline. If you break a leg, you know it is six weeks and even if it is frustrating, there is an end date, something to count down to. I don’t have that. I am just waiting for something that might happen in a month or six months. I feel imprisoned in this body I don’t understand. My mind is very clear, I just can’t connect what I want to do with my body. Sometimes when walking, my right leg just refuses to move and I get stuck for a few seconds.

So, here I am with a lot of negative thoughts today and way too much time to think them. I wonder how long this will all take. And I wonder if I really will recover. Not everyone does. I wonder if this is temporary or my life. I know I shouldn’t think these things, but I am having a hard time silencing the voices in my head. I hope this feeling passes soon… 


  1. Anonymous9/1/12 06:46

    Well as you know there are peaks and valleys in every recovery and it looks like you are in a valley today, but dont despair I know you will get to the top of the peak. I'm thinking about you a lot and you know I have FAITH in you Lots of LOVE Jan

  2. Hey Bro,

    We are praying for you and are sending our love your way. I know your heart and toughness will see you through this ordeal. I hope your recovery is speedy and you find the wonderful you within once again.

    With love,