Shelob

Sunday morning I woke up like every other morning… Parakeets singing, the sun shining in through the window, all in all, it is a very Disneyesque Technicolor way of starting the day. Sprinkle the scene with seven little men and I could be the star of my own animated feature. Yes last Sunday was not to be like every other morning. Instead of playing the part of dashing, muscle bound prince with shining smile and soothing tenor voice ready to break into an aria of love and adoration before waking the sleeping princess with my fiery kiss, I was suddenly cast in the role of everyone’s favorite hobbit.

So cover your eyes and cut to me in the shower, minding my own business when suddenly I found myself in what I can only describe as Shelob’s Lair. Yes, the very same over grown, man-eating spider that attacked Frodo, wrapping him in her silky webs while licking her lips in anticipation of her hobbity meal, was in my shower. I did what I always do when I see a spider. Ok, maybe not what I always do as there was no table to jump on while screaming, but I did let out an Oscar-worthy gasp - Jennifer Hudson would have been proud. I saw myself reflected in the thousands of eyes staring back at me, watching me, waiting for me to slip up so she could pounce and devour me in one quick, yet I would imagine delicious gulp. Her fangs were bared, I faked left and then moved right, hoping to confuse her. And then it happened.

She jumped. I screamed. She jumped again. I grabbed the handheld showerhead and fired. She jumped, I missed. I screamed. She jumped again. I closed my eyes and in my best Gandalf voice shouted “You shall not pass here”. The rest is a blur. Like Velma Kelly in Chicago, I completely blacked out… It wasn’t until I saw the shriveled little body going down the drain that I even realized she was dead. There was only one thing to do. I took my deadly weapon, turned it into a microphone and broke into a never to be duplicated version of “All That Jazz”.