Every Time I Say Goodbye

I have spent a lot of my life moving, which means I have spent a lot of it saying "goodbye". Something about that has bothered me for a long time, but I was never sure what exactly it was that bothered me, or why. But these past weeks, I have found myself examining my life more than usual. Perhaps it is being in familiar places that now seem foreign, or just merely the fact that I have way too much time on my hands to think about things I would normally put off until later. When it comes to certain things, I often tend to take the Scarlett O'Hara approach and commit to thinking about it tomorrow. Over the past few months, things tend to get in my head and stay there, waving banners and flashing lights, demanding my time and attention.

I always thought the saying goodbye part of my life bothered me because I knew I would not see certain people again or for at least a long time, but I have realized that that is just not the case. I am used to not seeing people. I grew up with people who are important to me being scattered all over the place. In fact, I have never been in the same room with my three sisters at the same time. Not once. It doesn't bother me, it is just the way it is and has always been and I don't know any different way.

What bothers me, I recently realized, is that not once, in any situation of saying goodbye, have I been asked not to leave. Most of the time, I wouldn't have stayed, but there are a couple of times when I would have, or I would have really thought about it. There were a couple of times I was waiting, wanting to hear someone ask me to stay, and I was ready to say yes, but it never happened. Maybe I wasn't asked for the same reason I never said that I would like to stay in case they would be open to that situation. It means putting it all out there. Even if it isn't the grand gesture of showing up at the train station or airport or knocking on the person's door after a change of heart, it means being vulnerable and risking the rejection or disappointment that might come.

Still, I wish someone would have asked me to stay. Maybe someday, someone will.

 

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