About Me And My Blog...

I think I need to explain something about my blog and the things I write about. As anyone who reads my blog knows, the past eight months have been among the most emotionally and at times physically challenging of my entire life. During this time, I have learned a few things about myself, one of the most important being that I can't go through all of this alone. I wish I could. I really wish I could paint a pretty picture and deal with everything alone, in my room and in private. That is my usual way of dealing with personal things. That behavior has cost me relationships and created more problems than it has solved. But since the stroke, my emotions have intensified to levels I don't understand and I often find them so overwhelming and intimidating that I just can't keep them to myself without feeling like I am going crazy.

Last Tuesday, when I started my last blog post, was one of the lowest and most emotionally intense days I have had since all of this began. for the first time, I was face to face with some of my worst fears about what might be waiting for me in the future. For the first time, I had to admit, really and truly admit that I had had a stroke and I needed help. I don't like to ask for help. I love to give help, I hate getting it and I hate asking for it even more. Going to that group meant laying it all bare, emotions and all, without the luxury of hiding out behind a keyboard, away from inquiaitive eyes. So I started writing as I usually do, not with the thought that I will post it and what people will think when they read, but with the intent of being brutally honest with what is going on at that moment in time. I wrote Tuesday as I was waiting. I decided that I would keep it to myself and not post it. I would like to say that for a lot of what I write, there is a part of me that thinks it is nobody else's business. Anyone who knows me well, knows that while I am happy to talk a lot and put out certain trivial information, I like my really personal thoughts and feelings to remain personal and private.

For the past eight months, I have discovered that keeping things private can be a very dangerous thing for me right now. When I keep them in, they fester and grow and I quickly go to some dark places that I find really scary. So, I write. And I put it out there as a way of throwing light on it and protecting myself. I know that some of the things I have written have worried, confused or even hurt the feelings of some people. That is not my intention. What I write, is what is true and happening in that moment. I don't write to or at people, I write out of myself. I don't filter. I don't go back a day or two later and read what is there. I don't edit. I don't worry about what people will think. I can't. Not right now. I need to be honest. It is hard enough to look at a lot of these things and admit them to myself, I can't let myself worry what other people will think or feel. For me, at this time, it is all about self preservation and my sanity. So I am sorry if I have hurt your feelings or if you took any offense to anything I have written. That was not and is not my intention.

I can't go through this on my own. I wish I could. I also find it difficult to talk about. I feel I am putting people in an uncomfortable place. I get self-concious and nervous and I can't always get things out. Writing is comfortable for me and I usually feel better, if not immediately, soon after I write things out. It helps me think, to look at my feelings and not let them boil and build into something more than they need to be. Thanks for reading my ramblings (and tolerating my numerous typos). I know they aren't very fun at the moment. I also truly am thankful for all the support from everyone in the many different forms it has come.

 

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