Thursday, August 30, 2012

Back To A New Me

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good..."

For the past months, I have felt like partially me, kind-of me, not really me and every other way I could feel, except really and completely me. I know in some ways I was me, but it was not a me I recognized and many times, not a me that I wanted to be at all.

But now there seems to be a shift, a change in the wind or weather that has been blowing around my emotions and moods. For the first time in a very long time, I am feeling almost like myself and each day seems to be getting just a little better. Sure, there are low moments and even low days, but I don't feel so lost, so out there, so foreign to myself.

Most of it has to do with just accepting what is and being willing to accept what will come, instead of mourning what was or perhaps what I only thought actually was. It is commonly accepted that there are five stages of grief and loss; Denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I don't think anyone moves directly from to the other, I think like many things it is a few steps forward and a few step back. Moving from denial to anger to bargaining and then perhaps back to denial or anger for a bit. It would be nice if there was a direct road that went from A to Z, but perhaps there is more to see and learn from the winding road instead of the straight highway. I think I am finally getting into the first parts of the acceptance stage and looking at what it might mean if i just embrace it. Right now, I don't know what that will mean, but I see shades of what that might look like.

And just as I am getting stepping into this better space, things have started to unfold to propel that even further. I won't go into details yet as things are still getting worked out, but sufice to say that things are poised to head in a fantastic and exciting direction. And if for some reason they don't, they have me making additional and fall-back plans, and for the first time in a very long time, I really feel like everything is going to be just fine. Better than fine, even.

And even more important, I am feeling more like me. Maybe more like me than ever before.

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