Blue Sunday

The more I observe my life, the more loneliness appears as a constant thread that permeates everything and every moment. Since December, I find myself spending a lot more time observing the world and people around me, where I fit and how I intersect and interact with others. I wonder if other people feel the same way I do and just go about life dealing with it in a different way or ignoring it altogether. Does everyone feel alone as I do or am I merely missing something that everyone else has figured out? Or is everyone like me, putting on the shiny "I got it all together" exterior while inside, everything is as confused and tangled as ever?

I wonder as I sit observing people, watching them laugh and interact with each other. I wonder if that is what they truly feel or is it just some sort of show for the benefit of everyone watching or involved? I step outside myself and see myself making people laugh, being witty and sarcastic, being engaged in intellectual conversations, but I know it isn't real. I don't feel those ways at all. I don't feel funny or intelligent. I feel sad, empty and alone. I put an effort into how I look before I go out, but underneath it all, I hate my body that suddenly looks old and foreign and I don't like my face with my droopy eye. I pretend I am all better and none of the other stuff matters, but it matters a lot.

I am to a point now, where I am tired of merely feeling separate from other people, I actually want to be separate. I want to go away, spend time alone, not talk to or see anyone. Not for a few days, but for weeks, months even. Time to myself time to just be and not pretend. I want the time to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling without anyone asking me if I am ok. I am tired of people asking if I am ok or telling me I just need to get through it. I want to get through it, but I don't know how. I am feeling trapped in this body, in this skin, in this life and I don't know how to change it, how to break out. I don't know where to start. I know the saying "start where you are" but I am not even sure where that is. I don't know where I am. I don't know how to talk about it, I can barely write about it and what advice is out there anyway? People say I am brave, but I'm not. I want to hide under the bed, under the covers, in the closet. I want to stand in the shower for hours while the water washes over me, but I can't and I don't.

In retrospect, learning to walk again was one of the easier things I did this year. It was easy because there was a process, a a clear step one, step two, step three way of looking at things. Now I need to make changes and I feel I can't do anything but sit and look at things feeling overwhelmed and confused.

A cousin of mine thinks I should get some kind of post-stroke therapy. Maybe he's right. I haven't really dealt with it as I could have or probably need to. I thought that when I learned how to walk and my vision returned to normal that I would feel normal, or even better than that since I had made it though something. But I feel tired and confused and alone and something of a fraud. People say I inspire them, but how can I when I can barely get myself out of bed. And if I wasn't staying with friends, I wouldn't get out of bed. What is the point, really? Yesterday I tried to ride a bike, just for a few feet, and I was terrified. It was too much to take in, and I couldn't get the bike to turn right, it would just go left and after a few feet, I would stop it and try again. But after three or four tries, I was done. I was disappointed and felt like a failure. I just went to bed to sleep it off and only get up because company was here. And I feel I have become such a whiner and complainer, I am not sure why anyone stays around anymore. I feel I have become the same type of annoying, "poor me" endlessly looping monologue I hate from others. One part of me knows this is temporary, but it just feels so permanent and I really can't see a way out right now. I feel like I need a break, a break from reality. I would love to take some time away from myself. If only I could.

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