Being Me

I thought writing yesterday would help me feel better. It usually does. This time, however, it resulted in a bad night's sleep filled with dreams I can't get out of my head, the kind that seem so real, you wonder if they actually happened. I am trying to keep it all together. Now is not the time to fall apart or get depressed. I need to focus and be productive, but I am having one of those days where getting out of bed is a chore. I woke up early but then willed myself back to sleep. A few more hours of daylight thinking to avoid. I think the reality of everything is sinking in. I keep asking myself who I am and I realize I don't have the answer. I am almost forty-five and I am still trying to figure that out. I lay out the pieces of my life to examine, the places I have been, the relationships, the jobs and anything else that might give some sort of evidence as to who is actually lying in the bed staring at the ceiling almost willing some sort of answer to present itself.

I also examine the pile of broken stuff that can never be unloaded. The broken dreams, the lost relationships and all the things that seem to overpower what good I can find. I once wrote that what I hated most hearing, was people telling me that everything was going to get better. The other thing I hate is people telling me they wish they had my life. They don't. Nobody really would. Yes, there are some pretty spectacular pieces, but behind all of that, there is a whole other world that nobody sees. Even in my most honest moments, I don't let it out or confide it to anyone. I learned a long time ago to show people just enough so they think they know you and will stop asking questions.

I think about these things as my almost forty-five year old self feels like it is drowning in an ocean of uncertainty. The one thing I always cherished in my life was my independence. These days, I have none. I don't have job and haven't had one in over eight months. I want to get a job, but have no idea what I can do. Being a waiter is not an option as my balance is still not reliable enough, and when things get crazy and too much input is coming my way, I get confused and panic. I read at the speed of a six or seven year old and that means a lot of office work is out of my reach for the time being. I have been and am being supported financially and feel guilt even when it comes to buying a cola with money I didn't earn. I wonder if I will ever be able to support myself again. And then there is the fear of being alone now. If I had been alone on that night last December, I would not be here now. I still examine every headache, every odd sensation to see if it might mean something serious. I have been around people almost non-stop since the middle of May and all I really feel I want is to be alone. But the thought scares me.

I am making plans, like starting the process for a driver's license in a week, and sorting out other things. I just feel like my life is a pile of Legos at the moment and I am not sure how to build them into something interesting. In an effort to meet people, I have gotten into the whole online dating thing. Not that I am dating, it is more I am chatting with people. I have met a couple, but usually when it comes down to meeting someone, I back out, make up an excuse and then wonder what is wrong with me. I just don't know if I feel like really engaging anyone. And worse, here in the US, people always ask where you live, what you do for work and what kind of car you drive. I don't have "acceptable" answers to any of those questions. It makes me feel worse rather than better.

I am not comparing my life today with my life in the past, but rather my life today in relation to what the options for the future are and I am not sure that is any better...

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