Fireworks

What a world, what a world. It seems to be such a tragic and depressing place these days that I find myself searching for a reason to get up out of bed in the morning. First it was Bobby and Whitney, then it was Ryan and Reese and now, as if my heart can take any more bad news, Britney is getting divorced. Will she never find happiness? Is she destined to live this life of white trash she has so effectively carved out for herself? Round and round the world goes, becoming even more confusing than Days of our Lives.

Then I read that two college guys have filed a lawsuit about how they were portrayed in the film ‘Borat’, claiming they only made those racist and sexist remarks because they thought it would only be shown outside of the US. I guess it’s ok to be a small minded, sexist, racist, chauvinistic pig as long as you do it on someone else’s turf.

And just when I thought I had seen it all, I saw something new and unimaginable compliments of a 22 year old guy from the UK. Things must be really boring in the Sunderland. What else can explain someone coming up with the brilliant idea of launching a Black Cat Thunderbolt Rocket from his behind? I am just trying to get a mental image… In a public area on Bonfire Night, our hero shucks his shorts, assumes the position, places one rocket up his bum, and ignites the fuse. I can imagine that when he played this out in his head and went over all the risk factors, he never imagined what would happen next. The rocket, as rockets sometimes do, had a little trouble on the launch pad and instead of heading for the moon, decided to self destruct where it was, igniting the methane gas the body naturally produces, causing a small internal explosion, scorching his insides. Ouch. A spokesperson for the Firework Association described the bizarre prank as "beyond belief"... hmmmm, I wonder… He said: "We have spent a long time working with the government to create laws that make fireworks safer and better for the public. That project seems to be going really well…

Please, to anyone reading this, please do not insert rockets or any other fireworks into any of your (or anyone else’s) body cavities. No matter how fun it may seem in theory, it's just not a good idea.