Since writing that last blog post, I have been in a bit of a
down mood. The past three weeks, I have spent a lot of time with my niece and
nephews, and being around them helps me shut out the rest of the world. I leave
my own issues behind as we play, swap stories and just hang out. They really
are the best remedy for whatever ails me. Evenings are usually the quiet times,
the kids go to bed and I like to sit outside alone, looking up at the sky
thinking and pondering life.
Sunday, feelings I had been keeping stashed away came to the
surface and then after I wrote that last post, all those emotions just seem so
“there” and I have been feeling a bit fogged in. I know it’s just temporary and
that it will pass, but being in it right now makes it all seem so vast and
unending. I am feeling sad, disappointed and disillusioned. I am doubting
myself and I hate that.
I want to talk about it, but then I don’t. I write about it
and then feel a bit of regret for putting it out there. I try to keep it inside
and it just simmers and expands. I do things to distract me and yet it is all
around me, the not so quiet ghost keeping me company. I can’t really sleep even
though I would love to just escape everything for a good eight hours or so. I’m
not feeling depressed, just sad. I am also trying not to do anything to numb
the feelings, but really go through it and experience the whole thing. Not sure
that is the best decision, but I feel it is just something I need to do for
now.
Today the boys were free from school, and instead of doing
what I thought I wanted, and staying in my mood and just kind of being alone, I
decided to take them out for the day. It was an amazing day during which I
spent much of it lost with them in the land of make believe… We walked some
nature trails and every mark in the dirt was a T-Rex or Velociraptor track to be investigated and
pigeons became Pterodactyls to be feared. Chase is in a werewolf phase and kept
sniffing the air and telling us that his senses were speaking to him. After
that, it was time for lunch and as Chesney decided he wanted to try sushi and
Chase has to do pretty much whatever Chesney does, we were off for some
California, Tempura and Tuna rolls. Chesney dove in while Chase decided he hated
sushi… That is, until he tasted some and then he declared it was his favorite
dish. After lunch, we went to another park which is located at the base of a
mountain and then there were more werewolf adventures while also keeping a lookout for
meerkats and mountain lions.
I love how being around them really forces me to stay in the
moment, to be present and just be. I am in awe of how anything and everything
is so possible, even when it is not. They don’t let the impossible get in their
way. Whatever is in their minds just is, and it is usually cool and magical and
awesome! I wish I could tap into that thing they have, where problems vanish
after a short time and anything goes including hunting dinosaurs, being
werewolves or Spiderman or invisible, they just do it with no question.
And if all else fails, there is nothing like fart noises
to get the giggling going and make everything else just fade away.
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