Sunday, October 20, 2013

In The End

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Not necessarily any one particular one, but more my relationship experience in general. More specifically, why they always come to an end. I understand why the earlier ones did. I didn’t really know what I was doing. I would try and change for the other person or I would look for someone to make me feel complete or validate who I was, and I learned that just never works. Later, I tried to do things differently. I was clear about what I wanted and didn’t want, but it always seemed to result in an end to something I thought was much more permanent or lasting than it turned out to be.

I am not really sure what I am doing wrong. I know I have my flaws, but that is what makes me human. I am working on them, or trying to and some of the rough edges I have definitely smoothed out, but there are still some sharp points here and there and hopefully, those too will soften. In the midst of all my broken attempts at love and the desire to have something that lasts, someone to share my life with, I see other people that it just seems to work for and I wonder what that did or are doing that I am not. My Godmother, for example, has been married to the same man since before I was born and they are still together. Ulco’s foster parents. His sister Paula. It’s the same thing. And I know they had to fight, get on each other’s nerves and at times probably even detested the constant breathing in and out of the other person, but somehow, they found a reason to keep going and they made it through.

I wonder if it is just that some people are lucky enough to find that one person that just fits while some of us are trying to force the pieces together only to discover at some point that they just don’t go. I used to dream of love and a relationship that would last. I’ve dreamt of finding that one person who would just be there. Not complete me, but share my life, cheer me on and not walk away no matter the storms that came along. In some ways I have found that person. Ulco. But even that did not work out the way I imagined it would. When I got married, I got married for forever. I never had a moment’s nerves or doubt. Not a second of cold feet or wondering if I was making a mistake. I never once thought that we would just get a divorce if it didn’t work. Our not working was not even among the most minute of possibilities in my mind and heart, and yet it came crashing down. We have managed to rebuild something different, and maybe better than it was, but not the dream I had.

There have been a few since Ulco – Manuel, Baris and then David and each time when I felt I had met my person, I let myself go, I jumped off the cliff with no thought to what might happen if I hit the proverbial ground. And I did hit the ground, each and every time. And it hurt. A lot. It still hurts in many ways and I wonder how to not hit the ground next time, if there ever is a next time.

I still dream of finding my person, but as I get older and as I crash and burn more and more times, I wonder if love is really meant for me. Not in any ‘poor me’ way, but I wonder if I should just give up on it and pour myself into my hobbies and travel and just be totally selfish in my life. I really don’t want to be hurt anymore, but I know and understand that even in the best relationships, hurt is a part of it. It’s the fire that either burns everything up or makes everything stronger than it was before. I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore. I don’t know if I can give my heart out again because I really can’t seem to get it right. Yeah, I know some of the things I have done wrong and could have done different or will do different in the future, but I don’t understand why I keep ending up in this same place when I keep trying different things, each time hoping for a different outcome and each time being surprised and hurt and alone in the end.

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