Figuring It Out

It has been over four months since I have written anything. Anything at all. Not sure why, it just seemed too much effort to write anything longer than a text message. I have had no inspiration or desire to write at all. Even now, I don’t feel the inspiration, but feel I should do something, start somewhere and see if maybe, just maybe, it comes back. Or not. Perhaps a part of the reason is the fact that since I have arrived in Istanbul, I have basically been working. Usually seven days a week, morning until night. It is wearing me down and burning me out, but it doesn’t matter. After two years of being unemployed and everything that comes along with that, I find myself working even when I know I should say no.

I have also spent quite a bit of time over the past months deconstructing India and the past few years. I experienced things I never imagined possible and things I never imagined I would ever get through. Now that I am here, in a different but not sure if better place, I find myself constantly comparing, wondering, going over the details of what happened and what I might have done different. I ask myself if I could have done anything differently and of course, for many things, I could have.

I also find myself still trapped in that space in India. I am in a different place in different circumstances, but I live as though it were all still happening. I have a hard time enjoying anything. I have a hard time opening up to anyone. I have made a few friends, but I haven’t let anyone in. Not really.

Even photography seems laborious now. After keeping my camera packed away for over 2 months, I have finally started taking pictures again. I am not sure I enjoy it right now. Again, I don’t know why. There are so many beautiful places in Istanbul and yet my interest is sorely lacking. I don’t feel depressed or anything, I just find myself having troubles re-integrating into life as I would like it to be. I can’t talk about it with anyone, because nobody I know truly understands what happened, what I experienced. I don’t even really get it myself.

Istanbul

Almost all the free time I have had since arriving in Istanbul has been spent on foot, walking and walking, seeing what I can discover and learning my way around the tiny, twisting streets that run up and down hill and back and forth, creating a Dr. Seuss-like confusion. It’s an easy and wonderful place to just wander around and get lost.

The first day, I went in search of a store to buy a towel. I am staying in a sort of apartment hotel and everything but towels are provided. I didn’t find a towel store, but I did find was the Galata bridge and Suleymaniye Mosque further in the distance. I was in love. The Galata bridge is two layers, one with traffic, and below that, one with restaurants and seating areas where you can have a drink, smoke a sheesha and watch the boats pass as the sun sets behind Suleymaniye. One thing I have missed while living in Delhi, is living near water. In my opinion, it brings a magic and personality unlike anything else. During the day, kids are jumping from bridges and docks while the fishermen wait patiently for that ever-elusive bite. At night, lights reflect in the water giving the whole city an air of mystery and majesty.

The place I am staying is in the heart of the going out area. I stay just off of Taksim Square. Istiklal is the main street in Taksim, pedestrian, full of shops and cafes and crowded with people. Off the main artery of Istiklal, are tiny winding streets climbing up and down hills in all different directions, crammed with tables and people playing backgammon, which seems to be the national sport. Beer, sheesha, football games, dinner, drinks, music. Everything is happening all around and the sounds and smells are smashed together in a most delicious way.

In the week I have been living here, walking around and just seeing where I end up has become one of my favorite ways to pass the time, and there are lots of bookstores with cafes for tea to camp out in and relax.

I haven’t really made any friends yet, a few people from work and a couple out of work, but the language is definitely a barrier. That and the fact that in India, just due to the color of my skin, I never really had to initiate contact. I was always approached. Now, I go out and have no clue what I am doing. My breaking the ice skills, while always a bit lacking are now non-existent. But, speaking of my celebrity status, it has not entirely disappeared. I have been asked for my photograph a few times and have even had an indecent proposal. It was on my second or third day, and I was walking down Istiklal with what seemed like the entire population of Istanbul when this guy came up to me and started talking:

“Where are you from, my friend?”
“California. The US.”
“Oh, America. I know Fontana. You know this Fontana?”
Yes.
“You like get some?”
“Get some what?”
“You want suck me?”
At this point, figuring I had heard wrong and lost something in translation replied with “what?”
“You want suck me?”
I hadn’t misheard, but was quite stunned. In any case, I said “No!”
“Why not? I think you like suck me.”
“Um, I have to go.”

And with that, I called it a night…

On Loneliness

Throughout my life, there is one feeling that has always been there. Sometimes it is overpowering and at other times it lingers just below the surface, and I can feel it, waiting. Even now, in the one of the most populated places on the planet, I still feel so lonely. It is the feeling I wake up with, the one I carry around all day and one I feel when I go to sleep. Even when I am laughing, it is there in the background. It is not a feeling of loneliness that is about the longing for the company of other people, but more a feeling that there is nobody who truly knows me, nobody who is truly there.

Sometimes it is the most intense when I am with someone else. How is it possible to physically be so close to someone and yet worlds apart. Why is it the people who are most important to us can, without even knowing it, make us feel so completely and painfully invisible and alone? And then I don’t know what to do. So often I want to reach for a hand, just to hold it, to feel another person, but then there is the fear of them pulling away and the loneliness is so much easier to deal with than the potential rejection that seems inevitable.

And so I go it alone, even in the company of others. I am there with them, but not really, not totally, not in the way I would like to be. I see so many people that seem to effortlessly connect with others and I don’t understand them. I know people think I am that way. They see an exterior that looks shiny and polished, but the fact of the matter is, I have just learned to fake it. I shut people out as much as I can, and when I have to, I put on a huge smile, tell some jokes and tell the world that everything is fine. But it is all smoke and mirrors, slight of hand and it is getting more and more difficult to pull the rabbit out of the hat. When I do talk to people, I am clumsy and give the impression I am making everything all about me. But the fact of the matter is, I am just gasping for air, trying to stay afloat.

I hate feeling lonely, but I am not sure how to feel any other way. I am tired of putting on a smile when all I really want is just to be held, really held and cry. I want to feel safe, heard and seen. But it doesn’t happen and so I go on, waiting and wanting but growing more confident that it is never coming. And I am not sure I would know what to do if it happened anyway. 

A Bit Of This And That

Lately, I have just found myself at a loss for interesting things to write about, so I have decided to bore you with the things that aren’t so interesting… Just be warned before you read further, this is probably the worst blog post ever written in the history of blogging… Well, maybe almost…

I moved. Finally! I did! I said goodbye to the landlady and the rest of her annoying but often entertaining brood. Of course, I have only said a partial goodbye. See, there is still that little issue of the security deposit they need to refund to me. They have tried everything to get out of it. They claimed I hadn’t paid rent in months, when in reality, at one second past midnight at the start of the month, the stalking begins and they start using two of their most favorite words in the English language; “Robb” and “Money”. Usually it is in one sentence “Robb, Money!” while they make the appropriate hand gesture. I used to pay them perfectly on time, but decided to start annoying them a bit in the only way I could, so I would pay a couple of days late, watching the sweat beads on their foreheads get more pronounced as the seconds ticked later and later into the month. The second trick they tried, was saying that I should give it as a gift for their daughters wedding. This was made clear by the sentence “Money gift wedding?” When I ignored it, they pointed to their daughter who was looking all premarital as she sat next to them and said “Daughter wedding” to which I replied “I don’t care, it is not my problem.” It may sound rude, but at that point I had been there for 20 minutes and this is after the three hours of conversation (yelling, finger pointing and shopping at my going away market) the day I moved out. Between one translator and having to call two friends to talk to them on the phone, it finally got sorted and I just need to wait a few more weeks and then the goodbye will be a lot more permanent. Had I known this, I would have just not paid the last month… Anyway…  Oh, and while I was at their place, landlord was wearing my old and worn out MiuMiu sandals and a pair of my discarded socks. It was a bit surreal to be in their place, seeing my former possessions and current rubbish so proudly displayed in areas of prominence all around their flat. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff they pulled out… I would be surprised if anything I threw out made it to a trash bin… I am sure they will point to it and say something about that crazy firangi who used to live on the top floor. Anyways…

I did move, but at this point, it has been the move to nowhere. Or somewhere. Noida, actually. But nowhere near where I was supposed to be going. See, I did a course where I got certified to teach English (and scored top of the class, thank you very much) and within a few days of completing my exam, I had an offer. An offer for a real job with a real salary and I would be a real teacher. Employed. Hating my boss. Complaining about my co-workers. In desperate need of a vacation. Good times! I had a start date of July 1 and today was the day when I was supposed to be boarding a plane to spend a year in China, YES, China! And then suddenly and quite disappointingly, it all fell through. The plan was to stay with Ankit for a few days and then ship off to Chongqing (pronounced ChongChing) and now that has been a little extended while I start looking for another job that won’t fall through at the last minute…  But it can’t be that extended, as my Indian visa expires in a few weeks, so I am leaving for an as of yet unknown destination.

But as long as we are talking jobs, I did get called from the school where I did my certification and I am now a substitute teacher. Perhaps it might lead to a more permanent gig in a couple of months when they move to a new location… Is Delhi trying to keep me here?

After the whole six days of subbing (we in the teaching biz call it that) are finished, I am off to Chandigarh to help a friend work on a film. Only this time, I will be behind the camera doing some pre-production/gofer/sounding board/friend/cheerleader/ego-fluffer kinds of things instead of being the one in hair, make up and waiting for my close-up.

And speaking of close-ups… I did a film last week and I think I now have as many celluloid close-ups as my BFF Julia. And Julia and I are all set to make our first cinematic appearance together in August. I have recently learned that August 13 is the release date, just one tiny little day after my very own birthday (I will be turning something-something). Better that way, ad that gives me one more day of personal celebration before the tabloid intrusion that is sure to take place the second the first frame flashes on the screen. But my film last week was great. It was all about anger, and I got to smash computers and a full length mirror, beat people up, yell, scream, eat pizza, drink beer and burp, all on camera… I can still feel the surge of testosterone pulsating through my veins.

So there you have it, all the things I thought were too boring to blog about. I can hear you snoozing, so I’ll just tip-toe out…

And then slam the door!