In September of 1994, I left New York to move to an unknown place, Holland. It was something I had been wanting my entire life, and after 27 years, it finally happened. I packed two suitcases and left everything else behind with no intention of ever returning. If things didn’t work out, I would move on, not back. I’ve never been one to go back. Ever. I didn’t speak the language. I didn’t have any friends, but after a while it all came together. It always does.
The end of next week, it looks like I will be moving on again, but I have no idea where, I have no idea for how long and I have no idea what I will end up doing for work wherever I go. But I have to go. My Indian visa expires in exactly four weeks. I am not ready to leave. I am not ready to start over yet again. My life has been about starting over. My entire life has been about moving, making a life and then leaving it behind. That is how it is with a military family. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I had that upbringing. I hated it at the time, but it is what has allowed me to just up and move to anywhere at anytime, knowing that somehow, someway, I will land on my feet. But now, I don’t really want to move on. I like my life here as it is panning out. I have great friends. I don’t plan on staying here forever, but I would like to stay here for now.
The end of next week, I am booking a plane ticket. To somewhere, destination yet to be determined. So many questions. Do I go back to the States? Perhaps Sydney? Thailand? How long do I stay? Do I take an extended vacation and come back to India in a couple of months, or do I move with the intention of starting a new life? And if I am starting a new life, where in the world is the best place for me to be?
I am also going this alone. Manuel will be staying in India, at least for now. He is getting is own place. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe the distance will help bridge the gap between us. Honestly, I’m not sure if that’s possible, but what keeps me going is the question “what if it is?” and that is something I need to know.
So, while 2008 started on the foot of certainty and security, 2009 is starting out just the opposite. I am confused and unsure, hoping for the best and bracing for the worst, wondering how and when this is all going to be worked out.