In November 2013, I wrote about relationships. I never showed this to anyone before now.
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about relationships. Well, my relationships at least. I am enjoying being single at the moment. It gives me the opportunity to focus on my family and spend a lot of time with my niece and nephews. A friend of mine pointed out that being single right now lets me give my undivided attention to my favorite children and I realize she is right. Of course that doesn’t stop me from wanting that one relationship, the one that goes beyond the others. Not one that completes me, as I don’t believe in that at all, but one that compliments my life. I guess my experience in relationships and love has left me feeling less than optimistic I will ever meet that person, but still, I hope and think of the things that I want from someone else.
When I fall for someone, I fall for them completely. I will happily jump off the cliff as long as I know they are willing to jump with me. I want someone who wants to be with me to the point that they will stay when things get rough. I want someone who looks past my childlike insecurities and annoying habits and sees me, who I really am. I want someone who chooses to be with me even when they can easily have someone cuter, smarter, funnier or whatever. Someone who won’t judge, but will hold my hand while I navigate through life. I want a co-pilot to join me on my journeys and point out the way when I get lost. Someone to help me stabilize through the turbulence. Someone who will wait when I fall behind. I want to be with someone who by knowing me so well has the power to destroy me but who I can trust not to do so and who will never prove that my trust was misplaced. I don’t want to fuck around. I like being committed. I don’t want to waste my time speeding down a track only to discover there is a wall. I have done that before and it hurts!
I don’t expect and will never ask for promises of forever as that is something nobody has the power to give and I want someone who I can believe will choose me, in the now, in that moment and hopefully again in the next and maybe the one after that. Someone who, when they feel they love me, can tell me as many times as I need to hear it and then a few more times just because they want to. And who never tires of saying it. Someone who can sometimes say “I love you” without the “too” at the end of it. Someone who will tell me they love me not only when they think I am wonderful, but who will say it when I am at my ugliest and darkest. I want someone who will tell me everything is going to be all right and believe it as well, even if proof to the contrary is overwhelming. I want someone who will take my hand because theirs feels empty without mine. I want to know that when things get smashed, they will be around to help pick up the pieces and make things even better.
There is a quote by George Bernard Shaw which reads “The greatest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” So I guess in addition to that list, I want someone to listen, hear and take action as I will do the same. Someone who I can be silent with and yet speak volumes. I want someone who is not afraid to tell me how they feel or listen to what I have to say. Someone to whom I can tell my secrets without fear and who feels safe telling me theirs. There will be things about each other we may not like or even understand, but I want to always respect and be respected. I want someone who understands that a relationship is always a journey, a partnership and a constant choice, rather than a possession or something to be taken for granted. Someone who understands the road won’t always be smooth but who also believes it is worth traveling. And I want someone who not only says they want these things and more, but who says so by actions. Not someone to tell me they will never leave, I just want someone to stay. I don’t want someone to talk about growing old with me, I want someone who is actively growing with me. I want someone to bring out the best parts of me and help me discover things I didn’t even know I had in myself as I want to do the same with them. I guess most of all, I want to be with someone who feels that I am enough, just as I am and just as I will be.
Maybe all of this is a lot to ask. Maybe it is time I start asking for and expecting a lot. Maybe that person is out there. Maybe they are not. Maybe someone will want to be, maybe he won’t. Time will tell. And I guess until then, I will wait and try not to give up the hope of all these things.
A couple of months after I wrote that, and a year ago today, I met John. We had been chatting for a couple of weeks and decided to meet for lunch. I had no idea at that time, that I was taking the first steps toward a new life, toward all the things I wanted, many of which I didn’t write about. This morning, I re-read what I had written just over a year ago. I still want all those things and today I have them.
The difference now is that I can accept those things from someone. I tried before and I couldn’t truly accept them. I felt defective and ultimately that got in the way. Perhaps going through so much these past few years has changed that. Changed me. When I was in India, someone once told me that there were two great loves in my life. One that was in the past and one that was out there waiting for me, but that before I would be in the next one, I would go though things that would take me to edge and teach me all the things I needed to know so that I would be ready.
I used to wonder why I survived the first stroke, why so many things happened. Now as I get glimpse of the path before me, I am starting to understand. And I’m grateful for it all, even the things that haven’t happened yet.