Over the past few years, one of the things I have had to come to terms with, is accepting the help of others. It was and is an extremely difficult thing that I have never really adjusted to. Since coming back to the US two years ago, I feel less like I am accepting help and more like I am a burden on so many people.
All I have wanted to do, really, is be able to take care of myself and just when it seems I have it figured out, everything goes awry. This constant restarting and then stopping is exhausting and I’m tired, I’m frustrated and have just had enough of it. I’m tired of not being able to take care of myself, tired of feeling depressed and less than a person. I’m tired of making people around me feel comfortable with my situation. I’m tired of holding on, waiting for just a few days, weeks or whenever until things turn around. I no longer feel like things are going to turn around.
Over the course of the next week, there will be a lot of things happening in my life, lots of changes and not one of them is for the better. It’s so impossibly overwhelming, I can’t really wrap my head around it all. I can only see that there seems to be no real way out. Just a couple of months ago, I thought I had it figured out. I had a plan. Then I had another stroke. Then I had nothing figured out. No plans.
I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I’ve spent years going this way, going that way, running into wall after wall and I don’t know what else to do, where to look, or what even to think. I keep it myself because people get uncomfortable, don’t know what to say. I can’t expect anything more. I’m uncomfortable and I don’t know what to say.
I was reading some of my old blog posts a week or so ago. All the trips, the clothes, the dinners, the adventures and then I look at things as they are now and I don’t understand any of it. And I’m tired of trying to figure it all out. I gave up looking for meaning it a long time ago, I just want to find a way through.
One thing I have found so odd is how people can say I have been inspiring or anything like that. It is a word that makes me cringe most of the time. I really don’t want to be inspiring, I just want to be ok. And I am a long way off from ok. Inspiring is pressure, it’s a strange word to hear directed toward me and something I can’t live up to.
I have no idea what the next week and beyond will hold. Not even the slightest bit of a hint. I just have this feeling, the knowledge that I am going to have to go it alone. I can’t be a burden anymore. To anyone.
So that is where I am today, in this moment. Next week, who knows.