Going Back

When you are having mixed feelings about going someplace, even the shortest trip can seem long. When that trip is over 30 hours door to door, it can seem eternal. I left Dar just over two weeks ago to come to the US. The first stop was Vegas to see family and try to get reacquainted. As I have written about, there is some distance between my family and I that goes beyond time zones. In the past, I have pretty much done my own thing and seen my mom and sister for short periods, usually a lunch or dinner and left it at that. This trip, I decided to put more priority there and spend time with family. I knew it would probably be awkward and uncomfortable, but after everything that has happened in the past months, I truly know how short life can be and how quickly it can change or even come to an end. So for the first time in over twenty years, I was going to visit my mom and stay in her house.

When I arrived, it felt awkward and uncomfortable. I didn't know what to expect, what to say or how to act. Many people in my family have watched my life and don't understand, it is hard sometimes to talk about it as it quickly gets interpreted as showing off. They think my life is great and problem-free and don't see the reality just below the surface.I also get the feeling a lot of people just don't care. If you were to ask them what was really going on in my life, beyond the stroke, I doubt they would be able to give an accurate answer. It hurts, but maybe that has also just been how it has always been, so instead of forcing my life onto them, I keep it to myself or write it in a blog that I know few of them read.

 

And I can't put the blame all on my family. I don't share things and keep them at arms length for a number of reasons. I don't have to worry about boring anyone, and I don't have to be hurt when there is no interest in what I am doing or how i am. And it isnt limited to my family, i notice it in many places. I used to think I was over-inflating the issue, but now I am not so sure. I am happy to go most of the distance, but when I fly half way around the world, I expect people to go the last mile. I need them to do that. Do I really need to come for a visit and then ask people to spend time quality time with me? I am in a place for a limited time and right or wrong, I won't beg people for time in their schedule. It actually makes me wonder what I am doing and if maybe I should just make other plans and forget about giving anyone priority.

 

I find myself feeling lonely and somewhat depressed. Am I doing something wrong? Am I intruding? Is this just the way people are? Am I just seeing for the first time the way this have always been? I don't know how to address it. I don't know how to bring it up, and so here it is in a blog post and maybe someone will read it and get it and do something different. Maybe they won't. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I should just let it go.

 

Whenever I being it up in conversation, it backfires and things end up being worse than before. Since I am only around for a few weeks, maybe I should just ignore it and try and make the most out of it. Maybe i should care. I wish I knew what the answer was. Part of me wants to hit it head-on but then I am afraid of feeling more alone.

Maybe I am trying too hard to go back to a place that was never really there...