Friday, June 29, 2007

In a Nutshell

I have been working in customer service and marketing for over 20 years and have been a part of hundreds of briefings in a variety of roles; client, agency, vendor, stakeholder, subject matter expert, business owner, audience manager and scapegoat. The more I partake in these sessions, the more I am convinced there is only one brief that exists, and like a Christmas fruitcake, just gets repackaged and passed around. I have decided to remove the mystery surrounding marketing and advertising and publish that one brief here, in full, in one easy to understand sentence.

So, without any further ado, here is my brief, in a nutshell...

If we look at our enterprise-wide mission of continuing to quickly build progressive products and enthusiastically customize inexpensive infrastructures and services, maintaining the highest standards of cutting edge product offerings and increasing customer satisfaction by optimizing touchpoints while transforming our company into a virtual center of excellence, then it becomes pointedly clear that the most definitive and impacting priority and key point upon which we must hereafter focus almost entirely is the streamlining of the streams of until now unstreamlined and unstructured communication and optimizing the relevant and resonating bullet points within those streamlined streams so that the streams are strum in a sensationally structured fashion in a horizontal manner across all of our verticals of focus to deliver the otherwise confusifying messaging in a clear, concise, simplified, personalized and yet out-of-the-box manner with surgical precision to the target audience with whom we would otherwise like to engage in stimulating, one-on-one dialogue-like conversation that mirrors real-world, real-time discussions in the business place which will enable us to hold our customers' hand as we drag them through the journey we have mapped out for them to increase their curiosification with the end purpose of moving them from awareness to evaluation and facilitating a paradigm shift leading to cost-effective pre-selling, upselling, cross-selling, side-selling, in-selling and outselling our vast suite of revolutionary, empowering, performance-based, end-to-end, feature rich products we fully and completely endorse in a calendarized fashion preferably and most desireably in a manner in which the precision of the strum communications is irresistably intoxicating to the end recipient thereby igniting the drivers and dormant desires of said recipient to purchase and deploy our until now unpurchased and undeployed products for the optimization and performanatiousness of whatever it is they wish to perform, for which we are absolutely certain we have a laser-like and completeish blurry grasp upon as backed up by and gleaned from our colossal reasearchification efforts which we have continuously performed in a projectized manner on an ongoing basis to surface customer needs, pin-point pains and get a highly valuable, atomic level understanding and bird’s eye view of the core of what it is we are investigating thereby assuring us beyond any doubt that we might actually be making, developing or perhaps even thinking about what our unknown audience wants to know even if they do not yet know they wish to know, since we most positively and genuinely know our audience almost better than they know themselves and we are prepared to leverage those insightful insights in a fascinatingly geurilla-like fashion as we approach, educate and lavishly bombard our audience in a consistent, reliable yet synchronized manner via the proper channels through which they will receive the unsurpassed and ISO 9001 compliant level of service they would have received if we actually serviced them ourselves which will exponentially positively impact our revenues and increase their satisfaction quotient which can best be described as the level of euphoria and feeling of peer-group inclusion they experience upon timely delivery and successful deployment of our productified products combined with the clearly vague yet unparalleled value proposition we wish to offer them on a trial basis that will ensure they remain loyal, raving fans for a set and measurable period of time as defined, outlined and clarified by the metrics which we had created an outsourced team and fine-tuned for performance enhancement that will allow us to quantify the results of the lifetime worth of superior communication we plan to stream to ensure never-before-seen success once said communication is strum in a communicative like fashion using new and authentically innovative tactics and popular, powerful and proven media channels of which we know nothing about and are confident will allow us to cost-effectively explore, exploit and own certain media in the mind of our customer before our competition is clued in to our efforts effectively giving us a mission-critical window of opportunity which will definitely most likely assure a dramatic gain of market share and increased economically-sound value for current and future shareholders who, our research has clearly indicated might also be our customers at a consumer level and therefore members of our target audience allowing them to first hand experience our awe-inspiring, world-class marketing effortations which will ensure them that we are most likely heading in a certain direction while driving a vehicle that has momentum and provides movement within the space we wish to own or at least rent in the market and the mind of the customer, whose thoughts we are currently profiling for the future fulfillment of our database initiatives to generate the response driven responses we are certain to receive once the message has been streamlined in a manner which delivers the message in crystal clear fashion across a variety of media and non-media, generating demand, creating buzz and sustainable expectations around our brand attributes and imbedding within our communications and thereby instilling within our various segments, which have been segmented based on the segmentation models which we have incorporated for the purpose of optimal segmentification, the very philosophy of our brand values to create an environment in which the segmented segments are most likely certain they will not be able to survive without our products which directly translates back to the ROI and fed into our 360 degree balanced scorecard views detailing the mammoth bottom-line results which we are sure to achieve and surpass by immediately linking our top-down activities to our bottom-up initiatives in a coordinated manner which will not only guarantee cohesion, but will also become the backbone for our communications as we go back to basics, placing the customer virtually at the center of almost everything we do by including the various segments in focus groups, taste tests, pilot offers, extendable and scalable once-in-a-lifetime promotions we can refresh and renew on a quarterly basis, survey distribution and generic product communication development and refinement with the intent and goal of creating a positive perception shift and demand for our miracle products through word of mouth marketing which we will then use to launch and drive our very own “tell-a-friend” initiative which will allow us to communicate cross-segment, cross town, cross-culture and trans-global while at the same time enabling us to incorporate our own unique spin and align the viral activities to our brand philosophy which we hope to launch at some point in the future that will essentially force us to raise the bar and in preparation we are seriously considering implementing an improved “zero-tolerance” policy and approach to ineffective or unclear communication that does not contain imaginative messaging in line with our core values or a decisive and insightful call-to-action which, in our opinion is exactly what is wrong with the market at this moment in time, creating discontent and disillusion among our audience which is exactly the gap we hope to bridge by cutting through the clutter and becoming partners in success with our customers in a win-win situation.

Any questions?

1 comment:

  1. I find this valuable and beautiful. I spent a few minutes in belligerent asshole mode forcing my GF to acknowledge the likelihood of it's relevance to her, although I think she might be patronizing me just to escape my admittedly insufferable delivery style...
    Current indicators point to a high probability of getting laid tonight, AFTER pretending she is the smart one in our relationship for at least 2-3 hours uninterrupted.
    We'll see