Sometimes, just when I think I have
things figured out and under some sort of control, things smash and
break. And just when I think I know myself, that I understand myself,
I realize I don't know myself as much as I thought. The past month
has been an intense personal experience. And when I had the
opportunity to step up and be the person I want to be, I took the
complete opposite approach and now there is just a lot of emotional
debris around.
I have written a little here about my
life growing up, being told I was nothing and nobody and that I wuld
never be anything and nobody would ever love me. As an adult, I ran
from that and tried to distance myself from it in every way possible.
I dove into therapy, books, teachings, meditation, travel and
anything that would help me improve myself. The past month, I have
really been dealing with the concept of letting go and letting things
be what they will. The problem with that is, that I was focused on
letting go of what was happening right now, today. I didn't realize
how tightly I was and am holding onto the past. I didn't realize how
much I still buy into or believe those things about myself even
though I “know” things to be otherwise.
This morning, I was having a
conversation with someone who reminded me that the past is in the
past. I say it is and it isn't. In time it is, but inside me, it
isn't so far away. I guess it has been such a big part of my identity
for so long that to let it go would be like leaving behind an arm or
a leg. I am not sure I know who I am without it. But what I do know,
is who I am with it, and that person is not who I want to be. That is
a person that hurts people. That says things he knows will cut
someone off at the legs. That person is someone who destroys the very
things he wants, and worse, he does it on purpose.
So now, I need to focus on letting go
of the past. I just don't know how to do it. I have tried ignoring
it. I've tried running from it, controlling it, taking about it,
writing about it, but still, it is there. I don't want it anymore. I
really don't want it anymore. I want to look in the mirror and see
myself as I am, with no judgment, no dislike, no hate and no anger. I
want to see the person the people who are important to me see. I want
to see the person they talk about when they talk about me. I see
glimpses of him, but I don't see him.
When Rich died, I thought it would be
over, but that seems to have intensified my thoughts. He is no longer
here, has not been a part of my actual life for over twenty years,
and still, I give him the power and the control. And if I am honest,
I do it willingly even though I know it is the wrong thing. I don't
know how to really let him go. I don't know how to truly and
permanently leave things in the past. I know I can never forget, but
how can I make them mere memories instead of letting them have an
active part in my life?
I can't play the victim card again. I
don't want to. It isn't who I want to be. When someone who knows me
well can look at me and tell me they don't know me at all, that is
beyond scary. And when I look at myself in light of the past few
weeks or so, I don't know who I am either. I wonder if I do and I
just don't see it right now, or if I really don't and need to figure
all that out. I don't want to be this Jekyll and Hyde person anymore.
I just want to be the best version of me, whoever that is.
I don't know how to do it, so I will just focus on what I want and take a step. And then another.
