No Marry Life (Part 2)

I am relieved to let you know that I might have been a bit hasty in my last post about being the unwilling groom in shotgun wedding. Monday afternoon, as I was at home sick and trying to get some sleep in spite of a stomach infection that was successfully keeping me up and out of bed, there was a knock at my door. Since I have moved, there have been only a few knocks on my door, each of them from the landlord’s family. They are, after all, the only people who know where I live. This time it was the two sons. For some reason, no matter who comes up, they always come in pairs. One to do the talking and one to do the smiling. So there they were, the pair of them, Joseph the talker and Rajiv the smiler. I did not know their names at the time and discovered them during the events of this story, so when I answered the door, they were basically nice dressed guy and guy in shorts and t-shirt.

In the few moments I have been free from work and free from illnesses that make me wish I was on the other side of near death, I almost always have my camera with me, just waiting, lurking, stalking life, if you will, for some perfect photographic moment to appear. It seems I have been spotted. “Can we borrow and use your camera?” asked Joseph. I think I turned a few shades of white. Asking to borrow my camera would be like asking to borrow and use my wife. If I had a wife, which I don’t, but you get the picture.

“My sister make engage” said the smiling one and then Joseph translated that the sister was getting engaged on Wednesday and they wanted to take pictures. This is one of those awkward moments when I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I don’t want anyone molesting my “wife”, but on the other, it is my landlord, the guardian of my things whilst I am toiling in the fields of long hard labor. What does one do in that situation? Then the lightbulb went off. I remembered I still have my old 35mm SLR and offered to loan them that. “Where does memory card go?” and I explained the memory card was a roll of film they would have to purchase at the store. I gave Joseph a 2 minute lesson on the fine art of family portrait making and sent them on their way. I was also invited to the engagement and party afterwards.

The next day, they returned my camera as it seems a friend had loaned them something a bit easier to use, a camera with just one button. I was again invited to attend Wednesday and told them I would be there after work.

Fast forward to yesterday evening… I come home from work and there are about 8 people in the house of the landlord. “Khanna? Khanna? Tea?” and I motion that I will go upstairs and pop back down in a bit, which is exactly what I did. And then it was picture time. Each one of them had their picture taken sitting next to me, while I am sure I gave my best deer-in-the-headlights smile. I knew this was coming, but it is never a comfortable thing for me. I was then told to go upstairs and freshen up for the bachelor party which was going to be on the roof terrace. The roof terrace that will be mine the day after tomorrow.

A bachelor party works a bit different. Or at least this one did. It is a “party” only for bachelors. It has nothing to do with the groom. It is just a group of single guys, sitting around, talking and drinking. I could not drink thanks to antibiotics and they had been drinking since mid-day. “Sir, please, I have very love for you” Ashish, the other brother would say in increasingly slurred speech as the evening wore on. “You very great man. I friend to you. I have very, very love for you. You great man. No eat cow. Mother make great the food. Chicken, mutton, pork,. No make cow. Cow no eating. I have very love for you. You great man” and on it went. Of course, in between his declarations of adoration, I got the usual questions about marriage, but now that it was just a bunch of guys, it ramped up a bit.

Once they all realized I was not married, that I had been and was now divorced, their attention shifted. “You bring the womans here for to fuck?” and of course I said no. They took it as a sign of respect for their mother and confirmation that I would not be notorious. But then Ashish says “I send girlfriend to place tomorrow. She like make fuck you.” I thanked him for his generosity and politely declined but he was not hearing it. “Me five girlfriend”, he said looking very proud and virile. I looked over at him, his oversized belly and could not help myself I said “And do you fuck them all?” He was a bit shocked and changed the subject slightly. “Where find gigolo?” I looked puzzled. “Where find man woman gigolo?” I said go online. “How much pay gigolo?” and they were all a bit disappointed I have not had sex with a prostitute. But then all was well with the group when Ashish said “I send girlfriend you tomorrow. You can make fuck.”

So now, I am hiding out at “TLR”, not sure if he remembers or not. I would not know what to say. I am a bit rusty on my social graces when it comes to turning down unwanted sex sent by the landlord’s son in a country in which I am a guest.