Darwin's Zoo

After hearing the question “Have you ever had sex with someone whose name you did not know?” the audience gasped a gasp of shock and disapproving judgment. The girlfriend held her breath and waited for the answer. It was a tense moment for all. The only thing I had going through my mind was “it’s 2008! Who hasn’t?” Well, apparently the guy in the hot seat as he answered “no” and the lie detector confirmed his response as true. The audience clapped and cheered. His stud quotient went down in my opinion. Loser. Then they asked if he had ever made ethnic jokes about his girlfriend’s family. He answered “yes” truthfully. Ultimately he lied on a question. He lost his money but gained a pissed off girlfriend with her pissed off family, an angry boss and suspicious co-workers as he admitted to stealing tips from tables that weren’t his, and clients who will be reviewing their old credit card slips as he admitted to changing the amounts to get a bigger tip – something that I believe is a federal offense, but I would never throw stones.

I hate to admit it, but I have become a bit hooked on a couple of game shows lately. Not because the shows themselves are interesting, but for me it is like going to Darwin’s Zoo. It’s a place to see stupid people in what seems to be their natural habitat – cheesy TV. The first show that has my attention is “Moment of Truth”, a show in which contestants have to truthfully answer 21 questions for a prize of $500,000. The question I want them to ask is “what kind of fucking moron are you to come on to a show, admit to adultery, lying, stealing, and at least three of the seven deadly sins in front of friends, family, the fiancé, and any person in the world with a television all for the possibility of winning a bit of money?”

And then what I find even more interesting is the audience response. A female contestant was asked “as an adult, have you ever taken a nude picture of yourself?” and again I thought “who hasn’t?” The audience audibly held their breath and then clapped when she answered “no”. It wasn’t as if they asked her if she had her own porn site – and more power to her if she had – or used nude pictures of herself to gain a high-end paying clientele – and again, snaps if she pulled that off! I, for the record, have never done either, but had the internet been around when I was a young lad, my career might have turned out quite different.

But for the most vulgar display of stupidity, one needs look no further than ‘Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” First off, let me say this on the record – Those are some stupid assed people they get on that show. Where do these people come from, and why does there seam to be a never ending supply of them? Stumped by questions like “Which state on the west coast of the United States is the furthest west?” It’s like watching Miss South Carolina all over again. What planet are these people serving donuts on? And what is it with all the “whooping” and clapping for themselves, cheering themselves on yelling out “yeah, that’s it… Let’s go… Whooooo!” OK, so they think they know the answer to a question about 1st grade English? A question like “How many nouns does the word ‘apples’ contain?” And of course someone will think that because it is plural, it means multiple nouns are involved. It’s not cute. It’s not sexy. It’s embarrassing. Not only for them, but for the entire US. It’s embarrassing for me, because I get asked if American’s really are that stupid. I try to say we aren’t and then they bring up the fact that George Dubya was elected to a second term and suddenly I have nothing to say.