Cloudy

Last week was one of those weeks that make me wish I could put my life on e-Bay and sell it off to someone else. I don’t mean the things in my life like that guy from Australia, I mean my life itself. Let someone else live it. Perhaps they would do a better job than I seem to be doing at the moment. Lately I have just been feeling so disconnected so out of touch with my own life. I’m not sure exactly what to do and it all has me questioning every aspect of my life. My work. My friends. My relationship. Myself.

I think part of the issue is that I just constantly feel sad and alone. It’s not a new development, I have had that feeling my entire life. Even during the happiest times, there is that undercurrent of melancholy and isolation. It just doesn’t go away and I don’t know why. I have a great job. I am in a relationship with a great guy. I have wonderful friends. I have lived a pretty incredible life. For the most part, I enjoy my life here in India. There are moments when I feel like pulling out my hair and the hair of all those around me, but all in all, I like it.

I just don’t know what’s causing these feelings and I don’t know how to make them go away. Sometimes they are very intense and sometimes they are just lurking in the shadows, but always there. I’m not depressed or anything like that, it is more like I feel cloudy inside.