Memories

I am currently going through old stories of my blog to see what material I can possibly use for a book of short stories. What I didn’t expect was the impact this little trip through my memories would have and suddenly I feel sad and quite alone. I miss Christina, Nik, Marco, Ulco, Mark, Joe, Saskia, Musta and others. I miss the jokes, the fun, the long heart to heart talks when one of us had a broken one. I miss Marco’s ugly T-shirts (which actually weren’t that ugly) and everything that is quintessentially Nik. I miss Ulco and the comfort of being with someone that knows everything about you and still chooses to keep you around. I miss the Sunday afternoon cocktails, the brunches, the fun gossip, the weekend trips and shopping adventures. I miss feeling that people are close, even if we don’t actually see each other. Just knowing a cup of coffee or walk or movie is always possible.

Then I made the mistake of looking through old emails. I never delete an email. The relationships, false starts, disappointments, family matters, promises, betrayals, jobs, travel, lies, hopes and dreams, all the things that make up life. I have over 3000 emails in my Gmail inbox, all personal, all relating to times, events and stages of the last couple years of my life. Things I had forgotten about, things I would prefer not to remember. They are all there. When I come across people I have lost touch with, I wonder if I should email them. I wonder if they would care. I wonder if I even care. What would I hope to accomplish? What would I say? “Hi, how are you, been a long time…”

Part of me wants to relive them, but I know that isn’t such a good idea. Part of me wants to delete them, but I know I never will.