The Move - Part Two

It seems I might have given off the wrong impression when I wrote about my move and being intimidated. Several people kindly and lovingly responded offering help, making sure I was ok, and so on. The fact is, I am not at all down, depressed or upset about it. Quite the opposite. I LOVE being in my own place. I wrote that because it strikes me odd that while I love it, I am strangely intimidated by it.

In the past couple of years, many things have intimidated me. Learning to walk again was a big one. I can’t explain that one and hope nobody reading this ever understands what it is like to have to relearn something you have done all your life and yet never given a single thought to. Learning to ride a bike was another. As was getting behind the wheel of a car and getting my license back. That was terrifying. Walking was one thing. In a car, I could kill someone. Hiking on Table Mountain in South Africa and then through Bryce, the Grand Canyon and Zion were all super scary for me. Climbing up the rocks in Valley of Fire with the fear I would not be able to get down was just something I had to do. I had to know.

Roller-skating was also very intimidating. I have been roller-skating longer than I can remember, but it was wiped away with the walking and the balance. Last July, David took me to a roller rink. We got there early and ended up sitting outside talking for about an hour. We were chatting about this and that, but inside I was trying to get up the nerve to put on a pair of skates. didn’t know if I would stand up in them, I just wanted to try them on. I got them on my feet and then immediately I was torn equally between wanting to take them off and run – well, walk fast as I hadn’t yet learned to run – out of the rink and wanting to make it around the rink just one time. I ended up spending most of the night on skates and I fell just once in quite a spectacular, arms flying all over the place style.

Not everything has always gone great. On my first boat ride to Bongoyo Island after the stroke, I stepped out of the boat, lost my footing and went under. There was the second or two of panic and embarrassment followed by lots of laughter and a bit of teasing. I have found that once that worst fear happens, I know it is all going to be ok.

So this move is just one more thing in a list of things that I have found overwhelming. What I find so strange with the feelings about the move, is that for so many things, they are just things I did and never thought about. You learn to walk once and that’s it. Something most of us never remember and a process we usually never need to repeat. Moving is something I have done. And done. And done. I am sure I have moved close to a hundred times. I have moved five times just in the last year and a half. Three times in Istanbul, Five in India and so on. If I know how to do anything, it’s move. Yet somehow this move is different.

Maybe it’s because of what this move signifies. It is the end of an era for me. The end of wondering if I was ever going to make it back and have my own life and independence again. Wondering if I would ever feel normal. If I would ever have the courage to live alone again. It means I am, for the most part, finished with my recovery. Yeah, there are little things here and there, but the big pieces are done now. And I’m here, in my own apartment.

Just typing those words makes me want to cry because they make me happy. And because of the stroke, I got to spend time living with Ken and his family and got to have them as a part of my daily life instead of just seeing them on visits here and there. I have known his children Haley and Zach since they were mere bumps in Charise’s belly and I got to experience just what amazing young adults and people they are and are going to be. I got to know my sister again and have discovered that of all the adventures I have had in my life, being an uncle is without a doubt my favorite. My niece is one of the most beautiful people I know both inside and out and my nephews are just magical and inspriring.

So yes, I am intimidated and a little overwhelmed, but at the same time, I am happily swimming in those emotions just knowing that I am here and I made it.  

The Haunting

One thing I like about my apartment is that I have a nice view of the city. I can see the entire strip area. It is a little interrupted, but for the most part, just great! So yesterday evening as the sun was going down and the lights of Las Vegas were coming up, I was sitting in my living room on the floor as I have no furniture. I had been working on a website all day and decided to relax with a beer. A friend came over to see the place and as we were chatting, I glanced at my front door. That is when I saw the face in my door looking back. I know I have an over-active imagination and so I asked my friend if he noticed anything odd at my front door. He immediately mentioned the face. And it was looking toward the fireplace, or the wall that separates my bedroom from the living room. I took a photo of it as I wanted to see if it was just my eyes or if it would be picked up by camera – a little something I learned watching Ghost Hunters at Ken and Charise’s. Thanks guys, loving it right about now!

Over the past couple of weeks, it has become something of a regular thing to have a morning coffee and chat with my friend John. A few days ago, he decided to do the Starbucks run and brought over some coffee. He goes into my room and lies on the bed, as that is the only furniture I have save for a folding table holding the computer. Space is my furniture at the moment. A few minutes later he asks me is someone died in this room. I thought it was an odd question, but I asked him why and he pointed out the tiny red splatter marks on the ceiling. I can see them now as I type this.

And in addition to all of this, I have heard sounds like someone is in my house. And the other day, I know I left the sliding door to the balcony open, as I almost always have it open unless I am sleeping and when I went back in, it was closed. Maybe I forgot I closed it, but I only remembered walking in, opening it, and I remember opening it as the lock had just been fixed and I had to unlock it to open it and then I went into my room to change and when I went back to step outside and get some fresh air, it was closed.

You can imagine how my imagination has been shifted into overdrive.  Was this a CSI location? A primary crime scene? Something from Criminal Minds? Do I go to the office and ask them if there was anything in my apartment? I did do a Google search and found someone had been shot and killed in this community a few years ago. But this is Vegas and that can be said for almost anywhere.

I think it’s kind of cool to have the face in the door. It adds a little something to the place. I am kind of curious if it will go away. Do I go all Sixth Sense and try communicating? See if she – and there seems to be agreement it is a she – has unfinished business? Do I try to get her to pass into the light or at least through the door? In all seriousness, I am not at all freaked out, I actually find it really cool in a Scooby mystery kind of way.

I guess I need to log into Netflix and catch up on Ghost Hunters and Paranormal Activity. And I know there are clues here somewhere!

The Move

It’s so quiet.

After over two years of living with other people, I have my own place. It is a huge deal for me to be on my own. I haven’t been on my own at all since December 2011. There has always been someone around, someone coming home, someone in the next room. Now, it is just me. Nobody is coming through the door.

I have mixed feelings about it. Yes, it is great to be able to just have alone time. At the same time, I have so much time on my own. To think. It scares me in some ways. I am worried about falling back into the depression I fought my way out of. I am scared of things going wrong and losing it all again and being back where I was a few years ago. I am scared of having another stroke and being alone.

I’ve spent so much of my life doing the very things that scare me. Being scared of something was reason enough to do it and it almost always turned out that the fear was ultimately nothing but smoke without any fire at all. This time, I am more than scared. It’s something I have been wanting for so long, but have been terrified at the same time. My last blog, I wrote about surrendering things, putting my energy where it can make a difference. Now, I find myself thinking and worrying again.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. Scenario after scenario going through my head. I feel tired and restless and nervous. I know getting my own place was the right thing to do, the right thing for me, and at the same time it is all just so overwhelming. Even deciding what to put in which drawer seems daunting right now. It might sound silly, but I feel nervous about making those wrong choices. I have four closets and have moved my shoes in and out of each one, not sure if I have made the right choice. I change shelves, I move the soap from the left side to the right, unsure of where it should belong. I have no glasses or plates and when I go to the store to look at some, I am scared of getting the wrong ones. I borrowed silverware and that was easy. The choice wasn't mine, I couldn't make a mistake. And logically, I know none of it matters at all. It makes no difference to anything and yet it feels like it means everything. 

I think the silence is getting to me a bit as well. I am used to being interrupted by my niece, one of my nephews, or someone coming in to talk to me or to just be near. Sometimes the interruptions were annoying, but I loves that there was always someone there. Now they are around the corner and it feels so far away.  I feel removed from everything and everyone for some reason. I know it isn’t the case, it just feels like that. I thought of getting a roommate, but I know, I really know that this is something I need to do, need to work through and need to get past. 

It seems so ridiculous that this move is having this effect. I never once felt intimidated moving. The Netherlands, India, Turkey, Tanzania were all very easy things to do so why is moving a half mile away from where I have been feel so intense? I have trouble sleeping, my head fills with thoughts when I lie down, thoughts I don't remember in the morning, I just remember them being there. 

I can only believe this is temporary and that, like so many other things, it will pass. 

What a Difference a Word Makes

After quite a long break, I am once again feeling the need to write. Although about what, I am not so sure. A lot has gone on in the past few months. Some of it good, and for some of it, it’s just too early to know. I last wrote about a month after things ended with David and I. After that, they took quite a downward emotional spiral, which I mostly just kept to myself. There was a lot of thinking and self-analyzing. There were lots of questions and many hours spent trying to see the bigger picture and yet focus in on the details that mattered or might have made a difference. I cried the big ugly cries, went through the depression, wanted to run away and hide, go someplace and restart my life where nobody knew anything about me. But I stayed and waded through the emotional sludge that was bogging me down.

A few months earlier, just prior to David and I coming to an end, I came across a concept called One Word. The idea is to take a word that really resonates, and focus on it for a year without any preconceived ideas of what it is “supposed” to mean and instead, just focus on it and see what emerges and what lessons are learned. Immediately, the word “surrender” came to mind. After the past four years in which I lost almost every material possession I owned, had a few relationships come crashing down, survived a stroke, learned to walk, battled depression, and so on, it seemed to be what I most needed and wanted. I knew I was carrying all this stuff around and I knew it was weighing on me, changing who I was, making me into a person I am otherwise not. I wanted to let it all go, I just didn’t know how. There was really nobody to forgive, no long conversations that would have righted wrongs.  There were just a bunch of really shitty things that happened that really sucked.

It was mid September when I came across the concept and instead of giving it a year, basically because I knew I couldn't go another year, I gave it until the end of 2013. I didn’t know if I was being silly or if it would work, but I was in one of those places here there really is nothing left to lose and so I just did it. I would sometimes meditate on the word, I would at other times just let it simmer in the background. For me, surrender had always been about letting it all go and giving it up to something higher and not letting myself be involved in it. What I discovered was that, for me at least, it was learning to differentiate between what I can control or influence and what I can’t. It was about learning to make the decision about where to spend the energy in my life. Some things I could easily take charge of, and other things will never be under my influence. I started actively using that knowledge, letting go and dropping the worry about things that I can’t impact, and instead, using that energy to gain momentum and movement in the areas I can affect. I wasn’t always successful in it, and it is probably one of those things that will be a life lesson for which I will often need to bring myself back to basics and ask myself the simple question “Is there truly anything I can do about this?” Sometimes, it is just how I let it affect me. Do I worry? Do I let the actions of someone else bring me down or affect my self worth? Can I make real change or will I just be spinning my wheels?

For the first few weeks, I had all these questions and thoughts racing through my head, and then on an ordinary day, for no reason I can explain, I just felt light. I felt happy. I wanted to cry, but in a very different way than I wanted to cry over the past few years. I was just so full of joy and free from the baggage that I was overwhelmed. And that is when things turned around completely.

I went from not being able to find work, to basically being self-employed, from not having my own transportation to buying a new car. I have spent the past two years living in other people’s homes and in about a week, I am moving into my own place. It happened almost as son as I let everything go. I realized I was not only weighing myself down, I had walled myself in and forced everything else out. That change alone has made all the difference. I even managed to meet up with David not long ago and while I was terrified of being hurt or what might happen or be said, it was truly a great experience and I hope it is the start of us building a friendship. He is an amazing guy and I will always be thankful I had my time with him. And even if I had known in the beginning that it would end, I would not give up the short time we had together.

As of January 1, I have a new word that I will focus on for the entire year. I will keep it to myself for now, but so far, it is an equally powerful learning experience.