Rollercoaster

What a rollercoaster this is. Highs and lows, thrills and scares and lots of unexpected turns. Wednesday morning I felt fine, great, even. Things were going much better and I was feeling really positive and upbeat. A few minutes after I posted the blog, a massive headache came, quite out of the blue. It wan intense and concentrated on the right side of my head, at the base of my skull, just like on December 23^rd. I tried stretching and taking paracetomol, but nothing worked and the intensity increased. I just wanted to cry from the pain, but that is something else my body doesn’t seem to do.

I already had an appointment for the doctor that day, but with the headache, I phoned and they told me to come right away. Again, I had the feeling something was wrong, that something was happening, but I didn’t know what. My vision went blurry and I had to have the housekeeper help me with the phone. I was scared I was having another stroke and I didn’t know what to expect. Would I lose memories? Speech? Eyesight? Would I die? All of those things went through my head in a massive ball of confusion and panic. I stayed calm on the outside, but inside, I was terrified.

I got to the hospital and as usual, by blood pressure was normal, my blood tests came back normal with the exception of slightly elevated blood sugar, but I had just had lunch and fresh mango juice. Again, no signs pointing to the cause. I was given a painkiller for the headache and after an hour or so, it went away and I was sent home. A friend wanted me to stay with him and his wife, but I declined. In the middle of all this madness and uncertainty, it is important for me to keep whatever routine and normalcy I can.

Since then, I have not had a headache and hope that stays for awhile. I have been given a medication to help counter the depression, but I only take half of one before sleep to help me rest. Sleeping has been super restless and I normally wake up fifteen to twenty times a night. Now I can sleep most of the night, waking up only two or three times a night now.

Walking is going much better. The first hour in the morning is the worst part of the day as I have to relocate my balance and get my legs under control again. After an hour or so, then I put away the walker and see how far I can push myself.

The hardest part is still getting to know my body and trying to make some sense of it and trying to find something that feels like me. So far, only my mind feels familiar. As I type this, the left side of my body is dripping in sweat, while the right side feels just fine. I feel like two people that have been glued together, neither of them knowing anything about the other.

My main frustration right now is my vision. It takes forever to read and type. I did find voice controlled software for the Mac and if my vision isn’t improving in a week or two, I will probably get it. I have increased the font on my iphone to point where it can be read from space. With a naked eye. And I downloaded voice controlled software for mu phone which is a huge help. But one cool thing with my vision, is that when it does come together for a bit, it males everything 3D. If you ever did that experiment where you look at two identical pictures, with a divider between your eyes, when you get the pictures to merge into one, it gives the illusion of 3D. So, I get that on my laptop and iPhone. And I have to say, the iPhone 3D is amazing. I love mine!

Learning to Walk

Yesterday was one of those days when being under the covers, hiding from the world seems like the best plan. I went to the eye doctor yesterday and while I knew my eyes weren’t better yet, the word “surgery” threw a wrench in my emotional gears. I have always had perfect eyesight, the only person in my family not in glasses. Every time I get my eyes checked, I am told I will need glasses in two years and I never do. I have been told that since I was 20. And now someone mentioned surgery.

I am good at getting bad news. I am not the kind of person to burst out into tears or start shouting at a doctor. I take it in calmly and deal with it over a longer period of time. Then I might get emotional. I haven’t really gotten emotional over the stroke yet. Part of me wants to, but another part just isn’t allowing it.

So many people tell me to be positive and stay upbeat, not to let myself feel depressed. But I am learning that feeling the depression can be a good thing. It is there, and ignoring it, for me, is like stuffing a bunch of things in a closet. Sooner or later, the door will open and it will all come pouring out in a huge mess.  So, I am taking a different approach. I am letting myself see the depression and even feel it. I let myself wallow in it for a bit and then decide that enough is enough and I make the decision now to dwell in it. I am realizing more and more that while this stroke was not my choice, and as far as the doctors can find, not my fault, it is my choice as to how I deal with it and it is my fault if I let it win.

I have done some research online, not always a wise thing to do so I have stopped. I saw statistics that ten percent of people who have this type of stoke, a CVA or cerebrovascular accident, die within a year. I have also read that two-thirds never fully recover and have some problems. I was shocked and devastated at first. But I realized and decided that I am not ten percent or two-thirds of anything. I am one hundred percent me and I will to let myself or my recovery be defined by some numbers I don’t believe apply to me.

I wrote a couple of months ago about the personal journey I have been talking, trying to live in the moment and realizing the past is just a memory and the future is an unknown illusion. This is really being put to the test now. I know that nothing is guaranteed. I only know that I have the choice to make. I can choose victory, I can choose to fight or I can choose not to. It may seem silly, but in some ways, choosing not to seems so much easier. Sometimes I just want to sit on the sofa and be angry. Sometimes I wish I could take everything breakable in the house and smash it against a wall. Sometimes I want to scream, yell and hit. Sometimes I want to know why this happened to me, not someone else. Why didn’t this happen to a criminal or someone who spends their life hurting people or doing bad things. Sometimes I don’t want to eat or take my medicine or shower or exercise. Sometimes I want people to leave me alone and stop telling me to be positive or that I will get through it. Sometimes I just want it all to go away.

But then there is something else inside of me. Something that pulls me forward and sees me through. It is sometimes a little voice and sometimes no more than the shadow of a feeling.

Yesterday, after lunch, I decided I was going to sit and watch TV and feel sorry for myself. I was well into my pity party for one when my nurse arrived for my walking exercises. Normally when he arrives, I am up and out and eager to get going. Not yesterday. I all but ignored him the first fifteen minutes. I was going through the motions of pretending to watch TV, hoping he would see how sad and depressed I was and leave me alone. He didn’t. So with a bit of anger and a lot of resentment, I sut on my flip flops, grabbed my walker and went outside.

The first round of the compound was horrible. My balance was off, my legs would not cooperate and I spent the first ten or fifteen minutes proving to myself why I should be on the sofa and why the exercise was a waste of time. Then my nurse came up with a stupid idea. He said I should walk without my walker. The man obviously had not been paying attention. Could he not see that I could barely stand? Could he not tell that I was in no shape at all to walk on my own. We went to the grass, where I could fall without getting hurt. I was so looking forward to falling face down in the grass. Maybe if I did that, he would end the session and I could get back to the more important business of feeling angry and depressed.

But then it happened. I walked. I walked from my walker about twenty meters to a tree and back. And then I did it again. And again. And then I went around the compound a few times. I almost lost my balance a few times, but I didn’t fall. I walk like a one year old toddler, but I didn’t and don’t care. I can walk. Since then, I have only used the walker one time, and that was when I woke up this morning, as it takes me about twenty minutes or so to get my balance back on track.

Today, I feel better. The depression is still there, but I look at the facts now instead of my anger and fears. I could not walk a few days ago and now I can. Yesterday I needed a walker and now I don’t.

Going to go now. I have some walking to do!

Another Day...

This morning, I had a follow-up appointment with the eye doctor. I had an exam last week and in the time between, some of the swelling had gone down, so that is good news. I have been wearing an eye-patch for the past two weeks, but now I am trying to get along without it, so my eyes can start trying to work together and hopefully correct or improve my vision. If it is not better in three months, then surgery might be an option.

One of the big mysteries is what caused the stroke. I have been tested for everything under the sun and nothing has come back as a possible cause. It makes me nervous since not knowing the cause makes it harder to figure out how to prevent anything further happening. I am not the fittest person, but I am fitter than most. I also don’t smoke, do drugs or drink heavily. I eat pretty healthy, have no history of high blood pressure, hypertension, diabetes or anything else that might point to risk.

I have also noticed that my voice has changed. Not sure if that is temporary or not. I find it strange that I don’t sound like myself, at least not to me. Today I discovered that I can’t sneeze. I feel like I will, but then it doesn’t happen. Sometimes I will have a sort of half-cough – coughing is another thing I can’t do right now – but usually the feeling to sneeze just vanishes.

Today I feel a bit better emotionally than yesterday. I will have some lunch and then strap on the leg weights and do my exercises before going outside to walk. The walking is going a little better, some days definitely better than others, but I have to remind myself that two weeks ago, I could not walk at all.

Right now my biggest obstacles are not letting the boredom get to me, not letting the frustration and depression take hold and also not giving into the almost overwhelming desire to stay in bed and sleep all day. 

Having a Bad Day

The last couple of weeks have been intense, to say the least. So far, I have managed not to get sad or depressed. That is, until today. I woke up this morning with this heavy feeling that is almost suffocating. I don’t know why it happened today, but here it is.

Yesterday was a great day. I did my exercises for my arms and legs and then went out walking on the compound. The first day I did one round, then three and yesterday I did seven. Today, I am not doing anything. I just don’t feel like it. I took a couple of naps and each time woke up crying. I feel silly and don’t know how to make the feeling stop. Normally, I would go for a walk on the beach, but right now am trapped in a house. I want to lose myself behind my camera, but that is not an option right now. I can’t really read and even writing this, I have the screen view at 500% just so I can see.

I think the part that bothers me is the unknown timeline. If you break a leg, you know it is six weeks and even if it is frustrating, there is an end date, something to count down to. I don’t have that. I am just waiting for something that might happen in a month or six months. I feel imprisoned in this body I don’t understand. My mind is very clear, I just can’t connect what I want to do with my body. Sometimes when walking, my right leg just refuses to move and I get stuck for a few seconds.

So, here I am with a lot of negative thoughts today and way too much time to think them. I wonder how long this will all take. And I wonder if I really will recover. Not everyone does. I wonder if this is temporary or my life. I know I shouldn’t think these things, but I am having a hard time silencing the voices in my head. I hope this feeling passes soon…