Dizzy Blonde

A few weeks ago, the hearing in my left ear went down by 40 decibels. Adjusting to that has been challenging, especially as life starts moving from staying at home to venturing out into public spaces. At home, I have some control over the sounds in the house. If the washer is too loud for me, I can go to my room for some quiet. This past Monday, we went out to dinner for the first time since we started sheltering in place, and it was a glimpse of my new normal. Between the music and the ambient noise, I could not hear anything people said without a lot of concentration. Even then, it only went well about 30% of the time. People wearing masks makes it even harder to hear. I am already tired of asking people to repeat themselves, and for now, I am much more comfortable being at home.

 

About a week or so after the hearing loss, I started to have moments of dizziness. They would last anywhere from one to ten minutes at a time. Now, it is almost the reverse. This is now day three, with mostly non-stop dizziness. Vertigo often comes with hearing loss and tinnitus like mine. The hearing loss seems pretty minor now in comparison. While the hearing loss presented some challenges, I found myself starting to adapt. I know to pause the TV or music if someone is talking to me. People closest to me know, so they are patient when I tell them I didn’t hear them for the third or fifth time. But the dizziness, that is something else entirely.

I call it dizziness for lack of a better word. I am not yet sure what to call it, but dizziness doesn’t quite explain it. It also comes in various forms. When it started, I would suddenly get the spins. The whole room would just spin as though I had way too much to drink. I would usually happen when I was lying down, if I moved my head too fast or if sounds were overwhelming. Since Tuesday, things have been different. Sometimes the room still spins. Most of the time, I feel like I am spinning or moving, and everything else has stopped. I can feel it in my whole body, and I constantly feel like I am going to lose my balance and fall. It has happened, but only a little bit here and there.

Walking down the stairs is scary. I cling to the rail and lean toward on wall, taking it one step at a time. If I forgot something and need to go back upstairs, I put it off until I absolutely have to. Carrying things in my hands while walking downstairs is the worst, and I can’t imagine trying to navigate it in the dark. Something that just a week ago, I did automatically. Looking up while standing is like having the floor open up below me, and I am filled with the sensation of free-falling. Paying attention, holding a conversation, and even writing requires an exhausting level of concentration, and I struggle with all of it. I feel like I am letting everyone down. My son has commented that I seem to have something new wrong with me every week. It’s hard to do the things I usually do with him because of the sounds and movement. It’s difficult doing the things I need to do in business, and that is letting my business partner down. I am cranky, and that is having impacts at home. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do.

I called my ENT, who has prescribed some dizziness and nausea medication. Nausea hasn’t started yet, but it feels like it might. I am not one to feel queasy after a spinning ride or anything like that, but now I am on my fourth day of it being non-stop, and it is wearing me down. In fact, this whole thing is wearing me down. I’m actively trying to fight off depression and not doing such a great job at it. Part of the problem is that there is no forgetting about it, not even for a minute or two. When I had the stroke, there would be moments when I would forget, and those moments were incredible. Yes, there was the harsh moment of reality at some point, but to forget for just a few minutes was a gift. So far, I haven’t been able to forget. Maybe its too new, perhaps that’s how it’s going to be.

I start my dizziness medication today, and the doctor wants an MRI as soon as possible. Maybe it will show something. For now, I am just hoping the medicine works. I'm tired of being a dizzy blonde.

My Newest Adventure

I had always thought hearing loss would be a slow, gradual dialing down of the volume to an ever-increasing silence. That’s why, when I woke up last Saturday with loud ringing and pressure in my left ear, hearing loss was not even on my radar. I assumed it was sinus related. I’ve had horrific sinus issues for years, and six weeks ago, I had surgery to reconstruct my shattered septum, which turned out to be the cause of all the sinus misery. Plugged ears and ringing were nothing new, but as the day went on, things intensified.

I first noticed that I was more sensitive to the sounds in the house. The coffee cup set down on the table. Water running in the sink. The sound of my spoon against the side of the jar as I ate my overnight oats. It was like they were not sounds I was hearing, but explosions that reverberated in my head.

We decided to go out for a walk, to get away from the sound and get some fresh air. The pressure in my ear would change in intensity. The ringing sounded like I was sitting in an airplane right next to the engine. It wasn’t painful, just increasingly annoying. It was when our path took us under a freeway bridge that I realized there was something more going on. The sounds from the cars overhead were intense, as though I were standing in a long echoing tunnel. Once again, I sounded like I was coming from my head. I had to strain to hear the person next to me speaking, and it wasn’t until we were a few hundred feet away that the noise levels started to diminish.

We got home and had a video call with my doctor. He asked if I had lost any hearing, and I said no. It hadn’t occurred to me that I had. I was hearing things- and loudly.  He referred me to the urgent care to make sure there was nothing obviously wrong. I got the all-clear from that doctor, who then referred me to my Ear Nose and Throat (ENT) doctor. I got home and put on some headphones to play a video game. That’s when I noticed it. I was ‘hearing’ a lot of ringing, but there was no actual hearing going on in that ear. That’s when the panic started. I called my ENT, got the on-call doctor who got everything rolling for an appointment for a hearing test that Monday.

The rest of the weekend was full of surprises. As I can only hear in one ear, I can’t follow two streams of sound. If I am watching TV and someone talks to me, it all jumbles up. I have to pause the TV and then listen only to what the person is saying. Eating potato chips or anything crunchy is majorly uncomfortable, and I can’t hear anything at all. Listening to music is not a fun experience with now, as it has a weird effect on the pressure in my ear. And I love music. I always have it on all the time. And I always write with music. Not anymore, at least not at this time.

Grocery stores are the worst. They are a never-ending source of sound torture. It is almost impossible to have a conversation if I am at the sink with running water, and general conversation is just not as much fun as it used to be. You know when you try to sleep, and someone’s car alarm keeps going off all night? That’s what it’s like. It just never takes a break, and nobody is coming to turn it off. Conversations take concentration. I often have to strain to listen, and I have to continually ask what somebody said or let them know I didn’t hear them. Sometimes, like at a grocery store, I just smile and nod and hope it was the right thing to do. Work conversations are even more difficult. I often need to brainstorm and think strategically and creatively in the moment. It’s hard to do while trying to ignore the onslaught of sounds around me. I can sometimes hear the aggravation in Keith’s voice after he asked me to help him in the kitchen or something, and I just didn’t hear him.

Monday, I had the hearing test, and the results confirmed a 40-decibel hearing loss in my left year. The doctor told me I have Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss. While there is a laundry list of what may cause it, from viruses to tumors, there is not much knowledge about it. There are also not many options for treatment. I started a round of high-dose steroids, which I am now about half-way through. If those don’t work, then the next step is an MRI. So far, there has been no change.

I am trying to stay positive, doing the treatments that might, but probably will not bring my hearing back, and at the same time, be realistic about the possibility of this being something that is here to stay. I don’t know how that will work. I have found a couple of great resources that are helping me understand what is going on and also figuring out what comes next.

The C Word

Last April, I was having allergy issues. I was on my way into work with a sore throat, cough and my sinuses feeling like an over-inflated balloon. I have had those attacks before and, knowing the process and progression, made an appointment with the doctor. It was during the drive to the doctor that I discovered the lump. It was tiny, in the soft part of my neck just under where the jawbone meets the ear.

I mentioned it to the doctor who explained it was probably nothing. He gave me some antibiotics for it and advised me to use compresses. I was told to make another appointment if it lingered beyond four weeks. I decided not to say anything to anyone at that time. It was nothing and would probably go away and I didn’t want to worry anyone. I know people want to be there, but sometimes that just adds way more stress to the situation. I didn’t want to be asked how I was or be sent uplifting texts, I just wanted to get the facts of what was going on.

A month went by and the lump was still there, so I went to the doctor who then ordered an ultrasound. By that time, my cough had progressed to the point it was getting in the way of my life. I do quite a bit of public speaking and webinars. I could barely speak a sentence without igniting a coughing fit. By this time, I told John what was going on, but still kept it all contained. The results of the ultrasound led the doctor to believe I should be referred to a cancer surgeon.

I decided to let a couple of people in on what was going on. I still had no diagnosis and I found great comfort and escape in my everyday life. Nobody bringing it up unless I did. I finally had my appointment with the cancer surgeon late in August. He was amazing. I only knew what I had seen in movies and TV, but my doctor was personable and friendly and I was immediately at ease. Well, as much at ease as anyone can be when the conversation includes words like Lymphoma. He told me he wouldn’t really be worried about the lump on its own, but when he put that with the cough I then had for five months and a few other things, he told me there was cause for concern, but he wanted to perform a PET scan.

A PET scan involves being injected with radioactive sugar, waiting about 40 minutes and then having a full body MRI type scan. The test looks for cells that are aggressively feeding on the sugar. All I had going through my head at that time was the phrase “lit up like a Christmas Tree.” The whole process was starting to take a mental and emotional toll. I kept thinking about Ryder and how this might all affect him. He is still settling into the fact he has a forever family, that he finally has the feeling of safety that is letting him relax into his life.

I had the PET scan and then the wait for the results. I had my appointment for September 26, several weeks after the test itself. I discovered that I would pick up a copy of the lab report myself, prior to the appointment. I kept it in the envelope for a couple of days and then took a look. I knew there would be no going back once I saw the results. I scanned the report and for the most part it seemed ok. There were a few things, but it seemed there was nothing major.

Finally the day of the appointment rolled around and the doctor went through the results, telling me that while there was a tiny abnormality, he believed it was nothing and that it was something we should follow and monitor for a bit, but as of that time, no further action was needed.

After 6  months of waiting and doctors and stressing, I had my answer. I told the few people that knew and let them know all was well. A week later, my phone rang. It was the doctor’s office. There was an addendum to the report. Things didn’t look as great as they thought and the doctor wanted a biopsy as soon as it could be scheduled. The appointment was scheduled for a few weeks out. I told John and two other people. The emotional back and forth was making me depressed, anxious and short-tempered.

The procedure itself was not a big deal, I was awake and watching on the monitor as the needle biopsy was performed. It was done pretty quick and then I had another three weeks to wait for the results. A few days before the appointment, they pushed it out by another two weeks. I would not get the results until just after Thanksgiving.

And then I got laid off. The company I worked for was having issues and those issues made it impossible for me to do my job. When everything with the company happened, I expected my position to be officially terminated within a week or two. Instead, it was closer to six months. I was going to leave that position a few weeks later, they just changed my timing.

I got the results the week after Thanksgiving. The biopsy came back great, but as it was a needle biopsy, there are two things to consider; A) There is no cancer B) There is cancer but the needle didn’t get to that part. So, for now, it is assumed that I am in the clear and I will have a few appointments to just monitor and follow-up until the doctor is convinced there is nothing to worry about.

So for now, for me, there is nothing to worry about.

Vanishing Rights

So yesterday, I got into an argument with someone about what is happening with rights here in America. Gay rights, women’s rights, etc., and I was basically shut down and told that this is America and rights don’t just get taken away. I was told this isn’t a Muslim country and it couldn’t and wouldn’t happen here. But here’s the thing… It is. Happening. Here.

On Friday, October 6, Health and Human Services (HHS) made it way easier for employers to opt out of covering contraception on religious or moral grounds. That means, employers have been given a pass to discriminate against women.  And the White House will back them up. In March, Trump revoked the 2014 Fair Pay and Safe Workplaces order which was primarily meant to help working class women from workplace abuse. Now, women are more vulnerable to sexual harassment. Now we can all grab women by the pussy at work whenever the whim hits.

They have also cracked down on abortion, which means that while a baker can refuse to deliver a cake to a same-sex wedding, a woman should not be allowed to terminate her rape or molestation related pregnancy. Mike Pence wanted to change the definition of rape to include only “forcible rape.” Isn’t that term a bit redundant? He also believes that “the hard truth of our experiment with gender integration [in the military] is that it has been an almost complete disaster for the military and for many of the individual women involved.” Perhaps if the Department of Defense did not make it a point to cover up sexual harassment and assault, and if they not provide $41.6 million (according to the Defense Health Agency) worth of Viagra to the troops, perhaps the gender integration experience might have gone just a bit better. At least for the women involved.  

Moving onto gay issues and the military ban on transgender Americans. This does not affect me directly, but discrimination of any type should not be tolerated. By anyone. I don’t know what it is like to be transgender and I personally don’t understand it, any more than I understand what it is like to be a woman or a person of color, but that is irrelevant. Transgender people are just that, people. We are talking about banning people from serving their country because they were born a certain way? Let’s ban rapists. Let’s ban spouse abusers, child abusers, molesters, white supremacists and people who spread hate and intolerance. I have never understood that way of thinking. When my mom found out I was gay, she said that if I were a murderer, rapist or child molester that I would at least be “normal.” It seems Trump’s administration feels the same way.

This became more obvious when the administration argued in federal court that a 1964 civil rights law does not protect gays, lesbians or transgender people in the workplace. The law, Title VII, outlaws discriminating against workers “because of sex.” It now seems ok for me to be treated as less than a second-class citizen just because of who I have sex with. In the privacy of my own home. With the curtains drawn. And the door locked. Of course, this can’t happen here, in America, but I think someone forgot to tell that New York Skydiving company who fired an employee for being gay.

Last month, the Department of Justice backed the rights of a baker to not make a wedding cake for a same-sex marriage between two men. The baker didn’t want to do it because it went against his religious or moral beliefs, yet I am going to assume the man has provided services to adulterers, liars, thieves, worshippers of false gods, people who take the Lord’s name in vain, people who have coveted their neighbors wife and those guilty of any number of transgressions that the baker should probably smite instead of offering them baked goods. I’m fine if someone wants to make decisions based on their religious or moral beliefs, and if they don’t want to make a cake for my wedding, I’m cool with that. I am happy not to fork over my money, but they do not get to pick and choose which moral and religious beliefs they will stick to while ignoring others because they are not convenient to that person’s lifestyle. My step dad was one of those people. Go to church, pray, smile, gossip about what people are wearing and then go home and beat the children.

Pence and Trump also threw their support behind Roy Moore, a Republican candidate from Alabama who has said “homosexual conduct should be illegal” and who Trump describes as “a really great guy.” Again no surprise as the Vice President has long been open about his views on gays. He has stated that being gay was a choice – for the record, being gay is not a choice, but being narrow-minded and spreading a hate filled agenda is – and he stated “societal collapse was always brought about following an advent of the deterioration of marriage and family.” So my relationship is bringing this country down. But then, Pence also believes that “Despite the hysteria from the political class and the media, smoking doesn’t kill.” This is a man that wants to defund HIV and AIDS programs to “provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior.”

Let’s remember, the deviant sexual behavior he believes needs to be changed is same-sex sex. Not molestation sex. Not rape sex. Not abuse of power sex. But same-sex sex.

On September 1^st, Trump nominated James Bridenstine to be the next Administrator of NASA. Bridenstine has stated “many studies have shown that both a mother and father are essential for raising successful and healthy children.” Not only does he attack same-sex parent families, he goes after single parents, grandparents raining their grandchildren and any other family that does not fit into his outdated picture of what that should look like. There is no typical family anymore. And the fact that someone believes my son is better off in the foster system or in an abusive mom/dad family than with us is beyond repulsive. But the good news is that none of that happens here in America. He also lacks any formal qualification in science or engineering. And he rejects the scientific community when it comes to climate change, but that is a whole other topic.

In 2017, Karen Handel was elected to the US Congress and when asked about same-sex couples adopting, stated “I have to honest – my faith calls me to a different place on the issue.” So in other words, she is openly against same-sex couples adopting and with all the rest, against my family.

While I know this is America and there is no way my rights can be repealed, lessened, taken away or eroded in any way, these things are cause for concern. And for anyone who thinks these things don’t apply to them because they are outside a certain demographic or group, think again. It won’t stop there. Today, gay people are the easy target. We are visible and for some reason, we scare some people. I don’t know why.

The thing that scares me is that it never stops “there,” wherever “there” is. And the target shifts as time moves on. Black people. Women. Native Americans. Mexicans. Chinese. Jews. Muslims. Wait and do nothing long enough, and eventually you will become a target as well. And you too can know the joys of having your rights whittled away while those around you tell you that you are being silly and overreacting.